BATTLESHOTS!!! ...And Reversed Gravitational Polarity?

GAH!!! I know, I know, this post should have been posted (a post that posts a lot of posts when you post it posted-ly) like A MONTH AGO or something but whatever everyone can just shut their MASSIVE INDOMITABLE PIE HOLES. For like TWO SECONDS. Two. Seconds. So a bunch of people from some place I work at decided to hold some kind of celebration in honor of the legendary childhood board game, Battleship! If you don't know what that is, go suck a lemon. And then die. And then rise from the grave and suck a zombie lemon and die again. Anyway, in order to properly pay homage to this nostalgic waste of money, one must adapt a few rules to accommodate a group of seemingly adult twenty-somethings with severe drinking problems. First off, replace the crappy out-sourced plastic board with: USED GREASY PIZZA BOXES!!

It looks a lot worse in the photo than in real life... cuz this looks absolutely disgusting

Then take a ruler,

One that would fit across the entire box would be nice but, eh, WE DRINKERS AIN'T PICKY

And trace a bunch of boxes. Something like, eight rows and eight columns. It depends on how big you want the board, but REMEMBER, if you make it too big the game will go more slowly and you will not get as drunk as fast and make terrible life choices. AND C'MON WHAT COULD BE WORSE THAN NOT MAKING TERRIBLE LIFE CHOICES. Then label the rows and columns by letters and numbers.

Also contracting other people to do the tedious work is your best bet. THANKS!

Then you gotta do this to ALL the pizza boxes you're playing with. We had four so we'd have two games going simultaneously. Then you tape two boxes back-to-back so that you can't see where the other team deployed their, ahem, "ships".

Again, find someone else to do it. Hah. Also wtf is Josh doing back there...?

It also helps if you have a small gremlin creature to run around causing mischief.

She was staring at me like that for a full ten minutes. Is she in love? I think so.

Then grab a partner and MAKE THEM TAKE A PHOTO OF YOU AS YOU DRUNKENLY TRY TO HIDE THE FACT THAT YOU TOTALLY PREGAMED FOR THIS SHIT SHOW...

I consider my drunk eyes to be my most flattering feature.

NOW FOR THE FUN PART. Replace ALL the ships with SHOTS. We did shots of beer because we'd prefer NOT TO DIE OR GO TO THE HOSPITAL. At least not at 8pm. You may do shots of whatever you would like. I won't judge. I don't care. By that I mean I do care and I will judge. Stay in school, kids.

Or else you'll end up like this.

So depending on how you want this battle to go down, you could arrange your "ships" however you would like. We took the more traditional route. If my memory serves me correctly, which it typically does not, we had an aircraft carrier of four shots in a row, a battleship of three shots, a destroyer of two, and a katamaran or something of one. Submarine? Tugboat? Buoy? Mine? I don't care, just kiss me.

Oh. Uh. Nevermind.

Next step is to definitely use your camera improperly. 

After you're through terrorizing Michelle, be sure to tape a piece of paper on to the backboard of the pizza box so you can write down and keep track of the fleet layout of your opponent, your hits and misses. You get me?

I hope so cuz I don't even know where I am.

Now for the fun part! Arrange your teams! I think we did Harry Potter houses. So there was Geoffreydorf, Slithering, Ravencat, and Jigglypuff. 

I'm trying to remember who we were... If this was even my team... MEH.

Then you grab your beers,

Michelle is armed, ready, and willing.

And LET THE BATTLE BEGIN:

oooo fierce fighting!

I vaguely remember one team winning every battle they were in...

I think Molly just scored! I recall it being her team... the Jigglypuffs!?

After a few games, the rest of the night sort of becomes a blur. Either that, OR CHARLES IS ABLE TO MOVE AROUND ON HIS HEAD.

That... cannot... be good for your back...

We frequently found ourselves searching the house for more beer...

WHERE DAT BEER AT, LUMBERJACK!?

But instead we found that Roxy was able to contort her spine.

Now that's what I call flexibility... or Earth's gravitational pull is in the opposite direction for her...

Next step is definitely to take the most UNFLATTERING pictures of as many of your friends as possible.

I can't tell if everyone looks great or horrible. You decide.

Then, and this is the most important step, you must leave the house in utter chaos and unfathomable disarray.

But srsly whoever cleaned this up (Bobby? Kane? Molly?) is a godsend and I am eternally grateful.

All in all, a good time is to be had. Even if you miss your last train home because the NR decides to just... not work. I'm not bitter. Who said I was bitter?? Can I punch you?

NEXT UP!! Adventures in Sleepy Hollow! ooOOOooOOoo SPookY *barf*

Birthday and Last Day in Vegas

Today was our last full day in Vegas! Waaaahhh. It was also my birthday! YAAAAYYYY. So you know we had to make sure we crammed in as much crap as possible. Unfortunately, we all somehow woke up an hour or two past the intended time, so we had to make a mad dash to get ready and explore! Today we decided we would visit Old Vegas.

In the cab ride, I spotted both Allie AND Michelle reading my blog. Product placemennnttttt. READ MY BLOG YOU FOOLS.

We were going to take a bus, but because of time and the minimal difference in cab fare we chose to just take a car. The ride was pretty simple and straightforward. Once we arrived we automatically recognized the iconic signs so closely associated with this city.

This would probably look better at night.

Plus some signs I didn’t really recognize…

Oh, god. Ew. Ugh. 

Although with this one I had no choice but to agree unconditionally…

Yes, ma'am!

We found a kitschy Native American gift shop, and ventured inside.

Allie was a little nervous. She hates kitsch.

But Michelle found a bear hat thing!

Twins?

And I found a sexy cowboy hat.

The hat was sexy. The guy wearing it... NOTSOMACH

Then Michelle’s bear hat thing tried to attack my cowboy hat!!

The nerve!

We bought a couple souvenirs there, which was good FOR ALL THOSE FREAKS AT HOME THAT NEED GIFTS AND CRAP. GAH. As we walked down Fremont Street, we discovered the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Company, which had incredible caramel apples. Well… not just caramel apples, but apples covered in chocolate, M&Ms, peanut butter, cheesecake stuff, oreos… a whole array of different confections.

They also had a bear on a chair with which Michelle felt compelled to flirt.

I decided to get something small, an Irish Cream Truffle and a Champagne Truffle. Yum.

Mmm blurry truffles in a white bag.

The entire street at Fremont is, I guess, indoors. A while back they built a huge roof over the street, making it a kind of gambling mall paradise.

I NEED MORE ROOF.

At the end of it was the Plaza Hotel and Casino, one of the oldest and most famous establishments in Las Vegas.

I actually had never heard of it before. Whoopsie.

The restaurant in front had my kind of sign...

Describes my life perfectly.

Seeing the restaurant, we realized we needed to eat something. So we walked a few blocks away and got caught in a sandstorm…

Don’t worry. DON’T WORRY. I SAID STOP WORRYING. We got through it. We survived. And found this great steakhouse/micro brewery in a nearby casino.

777 I think it was called.

Then Allie balanced her cell phone on her chest.

Now THAT'S what I call TALENT

Shit there was CHEAP. And gooood. Well… some stuff was good. Their beers could use a little work. I got the Hefeweizen and a Lager. They were both a little disappointing. For an appetizer we shared potato chips smothered in cheese and bacon.

Good. GOD.

I got a small cup of the tortilla soup, which was AMAZING.

Comfort food on my spoon and my face AND IN MY PANTS AND ALL OVER PLEASE THANKS

The waitress dropped a package of saltines and Allie and I got SO. SAD. They just looked… so lonely and depressed on the floor like that.

We were lazy though so we left them there for the entire meal. BAHA.

And for my entrée? AN ENTIRE RACK OF RIBS.

It was time to redeem myself from the disaster earlier in the week.

And I worked it…

Such messy goodness

And worked it like a lady…

I'm sure none of you are surprised.

Until every. Single. Bone. Had been scraped. Clean. Heh heh…

A massacre took place on these grounds...

When we got the bill the top looked like this:

Is she calling me a ho? Or is that some... kind of... code word?

We left the restaurant and on the way back to Fremont we passed by the original train station

That exhibited the train Annie Oakley and FDR actually used. To get it onnnn. That's how we got Miley Cyrus! Right?

We went through the Plaza Hotel and discovered THIS!!

A video game where you can gamble?? MY DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE.

That’s right, a Star Wars slot machine!!

I didn't win anything. I lost a lot though! Woo!

So we returned to Fremont Street and found a couple girlies groovin’ to a ditty

And I could fully take in how unique it was that they covered this entire area with a roof that was also a kind of movie screen.

It's much cooler at night.

They also had free concerts, exemplified by this muchacho:

And as Allie and Michelle shared a lesbian moment to light their cloves,

Are they in love? Awkward.

We found an even greater treasure. AN ORIGINAL ROCK GROUPIE. UGH. You could TASTE the cocaine residue on her!

Then Michelle got a cheesecake flavored caramel apple,

She really ate it like that. Licked it. For hours. It was the strangest thing in the world.

And then the ENTIRE STREET turned into a light show concert!!

Then they played Bon Jovi. Heh heh.

After the show we went back to where our cab had dropped us off,

Yeah a lot prettier at night...

hailed another one, and went back to the strip. We were planning to get back in time to see the Treasure Island show, but alas, it was too windy so both that and the volcano show was canceled. That was very disappointing. BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, WE SAW DUCKS!!! WE SAW OUR DUCK FRIENDS!! AND THEY WERE SO GREAT AND CUTE AND LOOKED AT US!!

We also tried to convince everyone around us to look and bask in their magnificence.

Then I used the free $5 Caesar’s Club voucher to test my luck on some slots!

I did not fare well. BUT then I tried the black jack slots and won a dollar!

Then I went to get a drink and got a new pimp cup! It was a green skull that could fit LOTS OF BOOOZE. Unfortunately, Michelle and Allie took my camera while I was in the restroom and decided to take a bunch of weird pictures with it. Like this one:

Ugh. The wink.

And this one:

Hello, new old friend.

Can’t forget this one.

Chewbacca wears shirts nowadays apparently...

Or this one. Poor lady.

Oh oops that's a man, isn't it?

So after they were through with their rampage and I got my camera back, we went back to the hotel to rest up for tomorrow. We have a whole day of traveling in store. This was truly an incredible week. Las Vegas is an overwhelming city, but it isn't without its charm. The people are friendly, the food is great, the drinks are endless, and it’s honestly just a whole lot of fun. You do have to pay attention to your wallet though. Whether people are trying to scam you, or you end up scamming yourself, it is best to set yourself a spending limit and STICK TO IT. It IS possible to visit and explore Las Vegas without breaking the bank, but you have to be very conscientious. In addition, it doesn't hurt to have a couple great pals by your side. This trip would not have been as fun and exhilarating without my buddies, Michelle and Allie. I count myself lucky to have had such a great experience with such great people. Now, enough of this sappy bullshit, you goddamn freaks. OFF TO NY FOR MORE ADVENTURES!! Stay tuned!

* * * *

We made it back to NY by the way, a little bit tanner, and I’m definitely a little bit fatter. Fuck.