BATTLESHOTS!!! ...And Reversed Gravitational Polarity?

GAH!!! I know, I know, this post should have been posted (a post that posts a lot of posts when you post it posted-ly) like A MONTH AGO or something but whatever everyone can just shut their MASSIVE INDOMITABLE PIE HOLES. For like TWO SECONDS. Two. Seconds. So a bunch of people from some place I work at decided to hold some kind of celebration in honor of the legendary childhood board game, Battleship! If you don't know what that is, go suck a lemon. And then die. And then rise from the grave and suck a zombie lemon and die again. Anyway, in order to properly pay homage to this nostalgic waste of money, one must adapt a few rules to accommodate a group of seemingly adult twenty-somethings with severe drinking problems. First off, replace the crappy out-sourced plastic board with: USED GREASY PIZZA BOXES!!

It looks a lot worse in the photo than in real life... cuz this looks absolutely disgusting

Then take a ruler,

One that would fit across the entire box would be nice but, eh, WE DRINKERS AIN'T PICKY

And trace a bunch of boxes. Something like, eight rows and eight columns. It depends on how big you want the board, but REMEMBER, if you make it too big the game will go more slowly and you will not get as drunk as fast and make terrible life choices. AND C'MON WHAT COULD BE WORSE THAN NOT MAKING TERRIBLE LIFE CHOICES. Then label the rows and columns by letters and numbers.

Also contracting other people to do the tedious work is your best bet. THANKS!

Then you gotta do this to ALL the pizza boxes you're playing with. We had four so we'd have two games going simultaneously. Then you tape two boxes back-to-back so that you can't see where the other team deployed their, ahem, "ships".

Again, find someone else to do it. Hah. Also wtf is Josh doing back there...?

It also helps if you have a small gremlin creature to run around causing mischief.

She was staring at me like that for a full ten minutes. Is she in love? I think so.

Then grab a partner and MAKE THEM TAKE A PHOTO OF YOU AS YOU DRUNKENLY TRY TO HIDE THE FACT THAT YOU TOTALLY PREGAMED FOR THIS SHIT SHOW...

I consider my drunk eyes to be my most flattering feature.

NOW FOR THE FUN PART. Replace ALL the ships with SHOTS. We did shots of beer because we'd prefer NOT TO DIE OR GO TO THE HOSPITAL. At least not at 8pm. You may do shots of whatever you would like. I won't judge. I don't care. By that I mean I do care and I will judge. Stay in school, kids.

Or else you'll end up like this.

So depending on how you want this battle to go down, you could arrange your "ships" however you would like. We took the more traditional route. If my memory serves me correctly, which it typically does not, we had an aircraft carrier of four shots in a row, a battleship of three shots, a destroyer of two, and a katamaran or something of one. Submarine? Tugboat? Buoy? Mine? I don't care, just kiss me.

Oh. Uh. Nevermind.

Next step is to definitely use your camera improperly. 

After you're through terrorizing Michelle, be sure to tape a piece of paper on to the backboard of the pizza box so you can write down and keep track of the fleet layout of your opponent, your hits and misses. You get me?

I hope so cuz I don't even know where I am.

Now for the fun part! Arrange your teams! I think we did Harry Potter houses. So there was Geoffreydorf, Slithering, Ravencat, and Jigglypuff. 

I'm trying to remember who we were... If this was even my team... MEH.

Then you grab your beers,

Michelle is armed, ready, and willing.

And LET THE BATTLE BEGIN:

oooo fierce fighting!

I vaguely remember one team winning every battle they were in...

I think Molly just scored! I recall it being her team... the Jigglypuffs!?

After a few games, the rest of the night sort of becomes a blur. Either that, OR CHARLES IS ABLE TO MOVE AROUND ON HIS HEAD.

That... cannot... be good for your back...

We frequently found ourselves searching the house for more beer...

WHERE DAT BEER AT, LUMBERJACK!?

But instead we found that Roxy was able to contort her spine.

Now that's what I call flexibility... or Earth's gravitational pull is in the opposite direction for her...

Next step is definitely to take the most UNFLATTERING pictures of as many of your friends as possible.

I can't tell if everyone looks great or horrible. You decide.

Then, and this is the most important step, you must leave the house in utter chaos and unfathomable disarray.

But srsly whoever cleaned this up (Bobby? Kane? Molly?) is a godsend and I am eternally grateful.

All in all, a good time is to be had. Even if you miss your last train home because the NR decides to just... not work. I'm not bitter. Who said I was bitter?? Can I punch you?

NEXT UP!! Adventures in Sleepy Hollow! ooOOOooOOoo SPookY *barf*