The Globe-Trotting Travels of a Lovely Little Drunk: February 2014

Yeah, so I might be a little late in posting this. SO WHAT!? You wanna make something of it? Yeah, let's go right now I'll take ya around back and smack you around a little. Then we make out. Heavily. I love it when people describe making out as "heavy". It's great. Anyway, some might say it's taken me so long to post this because of work, or an overactive bladder, or severe malnutrition due to an unhealthy obsession with in-home bottle service, and you know what, they'd all be right. But the real reason is due to the utter horror I experienced this evening, October something, year Something something Anno Dominican Republic. The proper authorities have not only permitted me to release the following story, they've in fact ENCOURAGED me to do so, so that we can prevent, dare I say, prevent... future... *gulp* ... VICTIMS... heh heh... ha ha... Hah hah HAH HAH HA BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA *burp* *cough* *fart* *sneeze* *sob*....

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...the trip began innocently enough. Two busty and nubile colleagues of mine, Nicole and Zoe (not related), decided to plan a getaway in which we and a few friends would visit the quiet little town of Sleepy Hollow. They beguiled me into letting them stay in my humble abode the previous night. I had no forewarning of the sinister plans they'd soon inflict upon us, the town, and all of the world...

God, I love ellipses. ... ... .... ....... ...........................................................................hahah

Anyway, they came up to my house and we all boozed. They decided to sleep on the couches in the basement.

Instead of the beds I had prepared for them. Little did I know they used this as an opportunity for plotting...

While they celebrated in their bacchanalian revelry, I was allotted a measly two bottles of beer and a glass of wine.

Meanwhile, Zoe was taking hits of cooking spray, paper clips, and Godiva chocolates

Then they forced me to put on Xena, Warrior Princess on Netflix.

Now I know it was all foreshadow, an allegory, if you will. I was the "Derprielle" to the formidable Xena.

After a fitful night's sleep, I woke up to my stomach pranging with hunger. So I took the aforementioned babes (dude c'mon) to a nearby diner.

Can't have brunch without Mimosas and... BLOOD-y Mary's

And ordered PUMPKIN PANCAKES!!! With a side of eggs, sausage, and bacon.

Hey, I'm a growing boy.

After brunch, we headed over to Tarrytown, the... town that like... has Sleepy Hollow... IN IT... kinda? But it's like... sort of... it's own thing... I dunno I don't get it New York State is complicated. Lemme pour me another glass. Hold on.

Okay, so we drove to Tarrytown and SOMEHOW discovered two friends we knew and work with and spend a significant part of our weeks with wooooo who would've guessed not me punctuation is for losers.

Of course they had to do a shot. These were actually the pre-packaged shots someone bought in Vegas. P.S. Duncan needs to close his legs. Dear God, THE MUFFIN SHOP IS CLOSED.

So once we toasted and took a shot of some very sugary alcohol, we put on our swimsuits and headed to the hotel pool. Oh yeah, by the way, our friends were in a hotel. I dunno if I mentioned that before... goodness I'm drunk. Like right now. LIke RITHG nOW. Funny thing, the "spa" was closed because of the Government Shutdown.

Honestly, I can't remember why but it has something to do with the handicapped... not joking. Not even meaning to joke right now. Like, it was a legit reason. Stop it. I'm not joking! What is wrong with you people!?

So, since the spa was closed, we had to make do with the hotel swimming pool. Jessie, Zoe, and Nicole, seemed perfectly content with that.

It's like they're getting baptized. BAPTIZED IN SATAN WATER!!!

The ladies decided to do synchronized swimming.

Swimming? yes. Synchronized? Not so much.

Then their male minion, Duncan, went on a rampage through their routine. As clumsy adult human males tend to do.

He's like a water yeti.

So then the women folk attacked some poor unsuspecting family and forced them to take a picture of us doing cute things.

Apparently this was considered cute.

Then we all dunked our heads into the water as a part of a some dark witchcraft ritual, unbeknownst to me at the time.

I thought we were just being weird and testing the air capacity in our lungs...?

But apparently... I was just being naive...

We look so clean and new as our goodness washed away...

So then we slaughtered the family that took our picture. But in our defense, they were REALLY annoying. We went back up to the room, showered off, and set off to find a restaurant for dinner.

I forgot the name of it but it was great. Nice view of the Hudson River. Oh wait, River Cafe? No... Eh, who cares.

Then I ordered some pumpkin spiced rum apple cocktail thing. Little did I know that they DRUGGED THE DRINK!!!

Yeah, cuz who could suspect any misdoings from these faces?

I became drunk with happiness and evil.

As Nicole, the High Priestess, looked on with ambivalence.

Then we picked up an innocent bystander from the road, some lady named Allie, FOR WE NEEDED A SACRIFICE.

She looks so innocent and bystanderly... she would have never suspected a thing...

But then the two satanic priestesses of doom had to stare at her like this through the entire meal:

"Um... these ladies aren't suspicious at all... they seem so friendly..."

Then Duncan, the minion of Hell, butchered a goat and poured its blood into a glass and poured it on my empty seat to further enchant me to do their evil bidding.

And Zoe, with her fishnet stockings, looked on with demonic admiration.

No one at the restaurant seemed to care. I supposed this was a regular occurrence in Sleepy Hollow.

As is drinking in excess.

The restaurant had some sort of issue with the service, so we were running real late. We had to scadaddle... skedaddle?... Skidaddle... outta there in order to make it to the Philipsburg Manor for our Haunted Tour. I thought it was just a haunted house. Turns out... it was so much more...

A seventeenth century working manor that turns into a haunted playground during the Halloween season.

Then I met an old friend! That girl from the Exorcist became a fisherman!

I asked her how the fishing business is going and she said, "Not well, Steve.... Not. Well."

OH YEAH the "tour" I mentioned is called the Horseman's Hollow. Buy tickets in advance online! It was damn crowded. Like... for real crowded. So many teenagers... ugh.

And blurry photos.

Oh! But the place kept up with the times by adding a ghouly DJ! She was super sassy and yelled at people for being stupid. MY. DREAM. JOB.

Me in five years. And by years I mean months.

So the whole Satanic Ritual on the Manor was pretty underwhelming. Everyone was brutally murdered and there was blood and zombies everywhere. Big whoop. In all honesty, the Horseman's Hollow was a really cool idea, but it seemed like they had too many customers and not enough scares, you know what I mean? Our reservation was at 9 pm and it kinda felt like half the staff was already on break by that time. It could have been super scary. But it was just too overcrowded. Also at times it felt like a huge fire safety hazard.

So Zoe had to make her own fun by chasing me around like Banshee.

After the Horseman's Hollow, we took a tour of the famous (or should I say INFAMOUS) Sleepy Hollow Cemetery. This dude Washington Irving is buried there. And like, you know, like, like um, like, LIKE, like... uh, some Rockefellers or something like are buried like there like.

We made some guy take a group picture of us. We were desperate for attention and on the market for something long term...

OHYEAH. It was a lantern lit guided tour of the cemetery. It was actually pretty cool. WE HAD REAL LANTERNS!!

Funny story, they're really heavy and really hot. THE NOVELTY WORE OFF REAL FAST.

So that virginal alleged hooker we picked up named Allie had to take a creepy selfie...

Who could blame her? It was her dying wish... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

And then I, the narrator, the hero of this epic horror story, had to follow suit...

She looks better... and has bigger boobs...

So we took a tour of one of the oldest cemeteries in the country.

Oddly enough, this cemetery housed the legendary wooden bridge where Icabod Crane disappeared when he was run down by the Headless Horsemen. UNDISPUTED FACT.

Nowadays, its got some huge ass mausoleums for some rich ass white people.

I think this was where one of the Rockefellers is buried.

Nice place to spend eternity...

And then I think one of their rivals or disowned children built some other mausoleum...

THAT TODAY IS FREQUENTED BY SOME DRUNK GIRLS IN WITCH HATS ON HALLOWEEN.

At times the lanterns got too heavy so we would have to take a break and talk about all the drunk girls around us.

Jessie: I hate these drunk girls. They're so not classy.
Duncan: Shall I kill them, Mistress of Darkness?
Jessie: Yes. I'm feeling rather peckish.

As our tour of death and debauchery continued on, our side-of-the-road, soon-to-be-sacrificed-and-deifed hooker decided she had had enough with propriety. The hour of lewdness and lust was at hand!

"She was fitting in well with the cult... a little too well..." thought Nicole.

OHMAHGAWSH GUYS THEN WE SAW SOME GRAVES. IN A CEMETERY!!!

Who would've thought!? Hehe that grave says Church. NO TAHNKS NONE FOR ME.

Actually what was cool about the tour was we got to see which tombstones lasted and which didn't. Primarily, it all depended on the type of material you use. For example, whatever the hell this was made out of:

Lady crying at the cross...

Not the best material to stand the test of time,

Only a couple hundred years have passed and her nose is gone... Hollywood style... :\

To Zoe's delight, she found someone's ashes had been strewn on the ground...

So she smiled and laughed and danced like a demoness in heat...

In all seriousness the cemetery was breathtakingly beautiful. It was incredible to see the different monuments and to see that regardless of size or grandeur, the memorials depended solely on material and upkeep.

Even the largest monuments were beginning to show wear and tear. Many of the deceased in the cemetery no longer had living relatives. There was no one to help maintain their burial sites.

If there was no one left alive to pay for the upkeep of your magnificent mausoleum, it will one day, undoubtedly disappear entirely.

An unfortunate mortal truism, don't you think?

Some will poetically disappear into a cloud of ivy,

As some guy tries to impress his girlfriend by pushing her into it.

While others will just forever look creepy as f*ck in the darkness.

As zombies rise up and ask you out. That's what they do, right?

The tour guide then took us into a vault, which could store... A WHOLE LOT OF BODIES... in fact... the same number of bodies as our tour group...

The drunk girls in the witch hats were starting to suspect something...

And then I realized that my colleagues were trying to seal the hooker and me in! I miraculously woke up from the evil trance they put me in. Then we fought the wave of insects that burst out of the cracks in the walls, and opened the door before we were trapped for eternity. Our fellow tourists, however, weren't so lucky.

THEY IS DEAD.

We ran for our lives as the artists formerly known as Nicole, Zoe, Jessie, and Duncan chased after us. Down the hill, we passed some cool obelisks or columns or whatever the hell they're called who cares...