Embarkation Day - Boarding/Exploring the Ship!

Well, well, well. Look who we have here... welcome, my fellow thirsty drunk travelers! IM BAAAAACK. And I've come-a-packin' with a whole new booze-filled adventure for ya! Behold! I'll spin tales of wonder and amazement that'll surely toast your tummies in this HORRIBLE WRETCHED COLD. cuz it's stupid cold. So my friend Sam and I booked a cruise! We needed to get away from the city and relax, so we chose a 9-day trip departing from and returning to New York. I had never been on a cruise before, so I was extremely excited to cross off a major item on my bucket list. We chose the Norwegian Gem, a 93,000 ton, 965 ft. long mega ship with a passenger and crew capacity of 3,500. DAS A LOTTA PEEPS.

So the night prior to our departure, I stayed at Sam's since his apartment is FOUR BLOCKS from the port. We kept that night low key since I was exhausted from packing all day. The next morning, we got all of our crap together and decided to take a cab. We weren't sure if we would be able to walk into the terminal so we decided to play it safe and just hitch a ride.

This is undoubtedly the first of many thousands of cigarettes Sam will inhale.

There was some traffic going towards the ship terminal, so it took a little longer than usual. Once we arrived, I was absolutely overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of everything around me. The number of people waiting, the port, the ship, the river... everything was breathtaking and all I wanted was a damn Bloody Mary.

The view of the ship from the terminal.

Luckily, boarding the ship was straightforward and relatively painless. We gave our luggage to the porters, checked our magnums of wine (you can bring as many bottles of wine with you as you like, but liquor bottles will be confiscated and returned to you at the end of the cruise), and blew through security and check-in. We got our hotel key cards which also act as ship currency/credit cards and proceeded to the gangways to board the giant floating hotel.

Glass gangways... similar to glass houses?

The height as well as the length of the ship impressed me.

If placed on its stern with the bow pointing towards the sky, it would be taller than the Bank of America building on sixth avenue (without the spire).

Since Sam and I got to the terminal so early, we had about an hour to kill before our staterooms would become available to us. In addition, it would be another couple of hours before we received our luggage. So we went to the included buffet on deck 12 at a restaurant called The Garden Cafe. We sat next to the windows, and this was our view.

It was a surprisingly warm and clear day.

I was so overwhelmed by the limitless food options so I kind of went crazy and got half a sandwich and a slice of cake... at the same time.

At the time it felt like a really good idea and once I realized my mistake I was too embarrassed to do anything about it. Then I put the cake IN the sandwich and ate it all together while Sam looked on with disgust.

After brunch/lunch, an announcement was made that our staterooms were ready. So Sam and I ventured down to deck 9, mid ship port side to check out our home for the next nine days.

Twin beds and a balcony? Not too shabby. But since Sam is 500 feet tall he had difficulty fitting his body onto it. OH WELL SUCKS TO BE TALL ON A CRUISE SHIP BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHA.

Then I took the camera on a terrifying tour of the bathroom.

We noticed a placard of some sorts on the beauty mirror... thing... table. A bouvie? Bourie? Boostie? Vanity? Renoir? I dunno.

It's our room steward!!! I'm hoping the letters and numbers mean he's a lifeless automaton with which I can rewire and cause havoc!

THEN THE BEST THING HAPPENED!!! I turned on the TV and THIS MOVIE WAS PLAYING!!!!!

If you don't know what movie this is we will never be friends.

So we watched that for a bit and didn't really know what to do with ourselves. The ship wasn't leaving for another couple of hours so we decided to set out and explore the ship. Within minutes I was able to locate the bridge!!

And I danced cuz das where I wanna be snuggling up to Patrick Stewart.

Then Sam blackmailed me into taking a picture of him. ... ... ... 

Look a little more unimpressed willya, Sam?

From there a ship-wide announcement was made that a lecture on "free-style dining" was going to be held momentarily at the Stardust Theater, towards the bow of the ship. We didn't have anything else to do so we headed there to check it out.

The theater, complete with an orchestra and mezzanine level, was located at the very front of the Gem.

The lecture was very informative. It explained what free-style dining meant, which is basically the ability to eat whenever you want with whomever you want, at any of the available restaurants onboard. They listed which restaurants were included and which would have a minimal cover charge. After the presentation, we went to the back of the ship, on one of the top decks, to explore the Bliss Lounge, one of the hot nightspots.

A sexy lady encased in carbonite? Nothing makes me wanna party more!

Then Sam had to cop a feel.

Inappropriate. Her boobs are super perky though.

After Sam's sexual harassment of the maiden statue, we felt a little thirsty, so we headed back to the stateroom to pop open a bottle of white wine to celebrate. To celebrate our vacation that is... not Sam... molesting the... ladyANYWAY I took a great stupid picture!

YAY LEMME GET AT IT IMA EAT DA GLASS W DA WINE INSIDE

Then we got word that the ship was finally leaving!!!! Funny enough, I found a mural ON THE SHIP of the bon voyage I was picturing.

Isn't it... like... bad luck or something to have a picture of a famous sunken ship on your ship? No? Yet women were considered bad luck to have on ship?? WHAT THE HELL??

Instead this is what actually happened:

And then Sam got a little too excited...

And by this time the wine was catching up to me so I made a video that would PROVE TO THE WORLD how good of a sea captain I would be...

THEN THIS BOAT WAS FOLLOWING US and I thought it was the popo and I got so nervous cuz what if they're after my wine??

I'M NOT GIVIN UP ME CONTRABAND, YE BASTARDS!

And suddenly we were down by lower Manhattan.

And the police boat couldn't catch up! We were moving too fast!

And sure enough, Manhattan was slipping away into the distance...

BYE BYE COLD AND WIND. GET OUTTA THE WAY STATEN ISLAND FERRY NO ONE LIKES YOU!

Then the Verrazano Bridge was passing us by. The last landmark between New York Harbor and the Atlantic Ocean...

Once New York finally fell away from sight, we did some more exploring. And by that I mean Sam needed to smoke a cigarette and the only public place he could do it was in the casino. So we went there to check it out. It had giant windows facing the water, and for someone who has never been out this far from land, it was fascinating to see the open ocean from a fifteen story building.

Although the casino was on deck 6 or something so I was only six stories up... BUT THAT'S STILL PRETTY COOL.

I went immediately to the bar, and MY GOD THEY WERE GIVING OUT FREE BOOZE. Some sort of champagne punch concoction which tasted sorta great but sorta strong so who really GAVE A BAT. Bat?

Sam with his free drink and cigarette. He's like a hooker in Vegas waiting for a potential client.

And then, I purchased my first drink on the ship. I wanted to capture the moment that initiated the spiral out of control into inevitable financial ruin, so I made Sam TAKE A PICTURE.

Bottom's up CHASE BANK BAHAHA

Somehow we moved from the casino into some lounge area towards the middle of the ship. I dunno how, I dunno where. All I know is there was a good time to be had.

And the cheesy decor certainly added to the fun!

And then Sam got to the same level of drunk as me, so he made me take a picture of him. I took a video by accident instead...

Then I heard there was some sort of opening performance, which included meeting the high ranking officers, a comedy routine, and some music and dancing. SO OF COURSE I WANTED TO GO.

Nothing can beat that curtain design. My god. Genius. Looks a little like me, no?

They had a whole spectacle where things were singing and lights were lighting and music was ... music playing and then they introduced the officers!

One of them was a chef. Teehee.

Then I was HUNGRY. So Sam and I went to Blue Lagoon to get some comfort food. First course: Beer.

mmm. Beer.

Second course, a panini, buffalo wings, and fish and chips. ALL OF THIS WAS INCLUDED. Also, this particular establishment is 24-hour, so it knows it'll be seeing me mucho.

Good thing I'm immune to cholesterol.

THEN SOMETHING WONDERFUL HAPPENED. We overheard one of the servers saying that Magenta (one of the other included restaurants), was having a LOBSTER SPECIAL. So we ate our food... AND THEN HAD SECOND DINNER THERE. Like... right after. RIGHT AFTER WE JUST ATE.

If this isn't foreshadowing I don't know what is. BUT IT WAS SO GOOD. I don't regret it. AT. ALL.

After dinner we decided to go back to the stateroom to wash up and change. We wanted to explore the nightlife on the ship, and being covered in lobster and butter simply would not make a good first impression. Unfortunately, the way back to the stateroom was more difficult than just walking up a few stairs. The seas were rough that night, and the entire ship was swaying back and forth.

Once we got to the stateroom, I went into the bathroom to change and wash up. When I walked out, I turned to the beds and saw that Sam was fast asleep. I still had energy, so I had no choice but to aggravate him.

Once I rudely woke him up, we made our way to the Bliss Lounge for a few more drinks and to see if we could meet some new people on the ship. It was pretty low key, so Sam and I just got unnecessarily drunk and the only photo I seemed to have taken was this:

She expressed exactly what I was feeling. There are so many women encased in carbonite on this ship... yeesh.

What a day! Tomorrow is another filled with more adventures! Stay tuned ya butt faces!

The Haunting of Sleepy Hollowwwww!!!!!.... furr realz... spoOOOooOooOoOoky

Yeah, so I might be a little late in posting this. SO WHAT!? You wanna make something of it? Yeah, let's go right now I'll take ya around back and smack you around a little. Then we make out. Heavily. I love it when people describe making out as "heavy". It's great. Anyway, some might say it's taken me so long to post this because of work, or an overactive bladder, or severe malnutrition due to an unhealthy obsession with in-home bottle service, and you know what, they'd all be right. But the real reason is due to the utter horror I experienced this evening, October something, year Something something Anno Dominican Republic. The proper authorities have not only permitted me to release the following story, they've in fact ENCOURAGED me to do so, so that we can prevent, dare I say, prevent... future... *gulp* ... VICTIMS... heh heh... ha ha... Hah hah HAH HAH HA BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA *burp* *cough* *fart* *sneeze* *sob*....

* * *

...the trip began innocently enough. Two busty and nubile colleagues of mine, Nicole and Zoe (not related), decided to plan a getaway in which we and a few friends would visit the quiet little town of Sleepy Hollow. They beguiled me into letting them stay in my humble abode the previous night. I had no forewarning of the sinister plans they'd soon inflict upon us, the town, and all of the world... 

God, I love ellipses. ... ... .... ....... ...........................................................................hahah

Anyway, they came up to my house and we all boozed. They decided to sleep on the couches in the basement.

Instead of the beds I had prepared for them. Little did I know they used this as an opportunity for plotting...

While they celebrated in their bacchanalian revelry, I was allotted a measly two bottles of beer and a glass of wine.

  

Meanwhile, Zoe was taking hits of cooking spray, paper clips, and Godiva chocolates

Then they forced me to put on Xena, Warrior Princess on Netflix. 

Now I know it was all foreshadow, an allegory, if you will. I was the "Derprielle" to the formidable Xena.

After a fitful night's sleep, I woke up to my stomach pranging with hunger. So I took the aforementioned babes (dude c'mon) to a nearby diner.

Can't have brunch without Mimosas and... BLOOD-y Mary's

And ordered PUMPKIN PANCAKES!!! With a side of eggs, sausage, and bacon. 

Hey, I'm a growing boy.

After brunch, we headed over to Tarrytown, the... town that like... has Sleepy Hollow... IN IT... kinda? But it's like... sort of... it's own thing... I dunno I don't get it New York State is complicated. Lemme pour me another glass. Hold on.

Okay, so we drove to Tarrytown and SOMEHOW discovered two friends we knew and work with and spend a significant part of our weeks with wooooo who would've guessed not me punctuation is for losers.

Of course they had to do a shot. These were actually the pre-packaged shots someone bought in Vegas. P.S. Duncan needs to close his legs. Dear God, THE MUFFIN SHOP IS CLOSED.

So once we toasted and took a shot of some very sugary alcohol, we put on our swimsuits and headed to the hotel pool. Oh yeah, by the way, our friends were in a hotel. I dunno if I mentioned that before... goodness I'm drunk. Like right now. LIke RITHG nOW. Funny thing, the "spa" was closed because of the Government Shutdown.

Honestly, I can't remember why but it has something to do with the handicapped... not joking. Not even meaning to joke right now. Like, it was a legit reason. Stop it. I'm not joking! What is wrong with you people!?

So, since the spa was closed, we had to make do with the hotel swimming pool. Jessie, Zoe, and Nicole, seemed perfectly content with that.

It's like they're getting baptized. BAPTIZED IN SATAN WATER!!!

The ladies decided to do synchronized swimming.

Swimming? yes. Synchronized? Not so much.

Then their male minion, Duncan, went on a rampage through their routine. As clumsy adult human males tend to do.

He's like a water yeti.

So then the women folk attacked some poor unsuspecting family and forced them to take a picture of us doing cute things. 

Apparently this was considered cute.

Then we all dunked our heads into the water as a part of a some dark witchcraft ritual, unbeknownst to me at the time.

I thought we were just being weird and testing the air capacity in our lungs...?

But apparently... I was just being naive... 

We look so clean and new as our goodness washed away...

So then we slaughtered the family that took our picture. But in our defense, they were REALLY annoying. We went back up to the room, showered off, and set off to find a restaurant for dinner. 

I forgot the name of it but it was great. Nice view of the Hudson River. Oh wait, River Cafe? No... Eh, who cares.

Then I ordered some pumpkin spiced rum apple cocktail thing. Little did I know that they DRUGGED THE DRINK!!!

Yeah, cuz who could suspect any misdoings from these faces?

I became drunk with happiness and evil.

As Nicole, the High Priestess, looked on with ambivalence.

Then we picked up an innocent bystander from the road, some lady named Allie, FOR WE NEEDED A SACRIFICE.

She looks so innocent and bystanderly... she would have never suspected a thing...

But then the two satanic priestesses of doom had to stare at her like this through the entire meal:

"Um... these ladies aren't suspicious at all... they seem so friendly..."

Then Duncan, the minion of Hell, butchered a goat and poured its blood into a glass and poured it on my empty seat to further enchant me to do their evil bidding.

And Zoe, with her fishnet stockings, looked on with demonic admiration.

No one at the restaurant seemed to care. I supposed this was a regular occurrence in Sleepy Hollow.

As is drinking in excess.

The restaurant had some sort of issue with the service, so we were running real late. We had to scadaddle... skedaddle?... Skidaddle... outta there in order to make it to the Philipsburg Manor for our Haunted Tour. I thought it was just a haunted house. Turns out... it was so much more...

A seventeenth century working manor that turns into a haunted playground during the Halloween season.

Then I met an old friend! That girl from the Exorcist became a fisherman!

I asked her how the fishing business is going and she said, "Not well, Steve.... Not. Well."

OH YEAH the "tour" I mentioned is called the Horseman's Hollow. Buy tickets in advance online! It was damn crowded. Like... for real crowded. So many teenagers... ugh. 

And blurry photos.

Oh! But the place kept up with the times by adding a ghouly DJ! She was super sassy and yelled at people for being stupid. MY. DREAM. JOB.

Me in five years. And by years I mean months.

So the whole Satanic Ritual on the Manor was pretty underwhelming. Everyone was brutally murdered and there was blood and zombies everywhere. Big whoop. In all honesty, the Horseman's Hollow was a really cool idea, but it seemed like they had too many customers and not enough scares, you know what I mean? Our reservation was at 9 pm and it kinda felt like half the staff was already on break by that time. It could have been super scary. But it was just too overcrowded. Also at times it felt like a huge fire safety hazard.

So Zoe had to make her own fun by chasing me around like Banshee.

After the Horseman's Hollow, we took a tour of the famous (or should I say INFAMOUS) Sleepy Hollow Cemetery. This dude Washington Irving is buried there. And like, you know, like, like um, like, LIKE, like... uh, some Rockefellers or something like are buried like there like.

We made some guy take a group picture of us. We were desperate for attention and on the market for something long term...

OHYEAH. It was a lantern lit guided tour of the cemetery. It was actually pretty cool. WE HAD REAL LANTERNS!!

Funny story, they're really heavy and really hot. THE NOVELTY WORE OFF REAL FAST.

So that virginal alleged hooker we picked up named Allie had to take a creepy selfie...

Who could blame her? It was her dying wish... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

And then I, the narrator, the hero of this epic horror story, had to follow suit...

She looks better... and has bigger boobs...

So we took a tour of one of the oldest cemeteries in the country.

Oddly enough, this cemetery housed the legendary wooden bridge where Icabod Crane disappeared when he was run down by the Headless Horsemen. UNDISPUTED FACT.

Nowadays, its got some huge ass mausoleums for some rich ass white people.

I think this was where one of the Rockefellers is buried. 

Nice place to spend eternity...

And then I think one of their rivals or disowned children built some other mausoleum...

THAT TODAY IS FREQUENTED BY SOME DRUNK GIRLS IN WITCH HATS ON HALLOWEEN.

At times the lanterns got too heavy so we would have to take a break and talk about all the drunk girls around us. 

Jessie: I hate these drunk girls. They're so not classy.
Duncan: Shall I kill them, Mistress of Darkness?
Jessie: Yes. I'm feeling rather peckish.

As our tour of death and debauchery continued on, our side-of-the-road, soon-to-be-sacrificed-and-deifed hooker decided she had had enough with propriety. The hour of lewdness and lust was at hand!

"She was fitting in well with the cult... a little too well..." thought Nicole.

OHMAHGAWSH GUYS THEN WE SAW SOME GRAVES. IN A CEMETERY!!!

Who would've thought!? Hehe that grave says Church. NO TAHNKS NONE FOR ME.

Actually what was cool about the tour was we got to see which tombstones lasted and which didn't. Primarily, it all depended on the type of material you use. For example, whatever the hell this was made out of:

Lady crying at the cross...

Not the best material to stand the test of time,

Only a couple hundred years have passed and her nose is gone... Hollywood style... :\

To Zoe's delight, she found someone's ashes had been strewn on the ground...

So she smiled and laughed and danced like a demoness in heat...

In all seriousness the cemetery was breathtakingly beautiful. It was incredible to see the different monuments and to see that regardless of size or grandeur, the memorials depended solely on material and upkeep.

Even the largest monuments were beginning to show wear and tear. Many of the deceased in the cemetery no longer had living relatives. There was no one to help maintain their burial sites.

If there was no one left alive to pay for the upkeep of your magnificent mausoleum, it will one day, undoubtedly disappear entirely.

An unfortunate mortal truism, don't you think?

Some will poetically disappear into a cloud of ivy,

As some guy tries to impress his girlfriend by pushing her into it.

While others will just forever look creepy as f*ck in the darkness.

As zombies rise up and ask you out. That's what they do, right?

The tour guide then took us into a vault, which could store... A WHOLE LOT OF BODIES... in fact... the same number of bodies as our tour group...

The drunk girls in the witch hats were starting to suspect something...

And then I realized that my colleagues were trying to seal the hooker and me in! I miraculously woke up from the evil trance they put me in. Then we fought the wave of insects that burst out of the cracks in the walls, and opened the door before we were trapped for eternity. Our fellow tourists, however, weren't so lucky.

THEY IS DEAD.

We ran for our lives as the artists formerly known as Nicole, Zoe, Jessie, and Duncan chased after us. Down the hill, we passed some cool obelisks or columns or whatever the hell they're called who cares...

it was tall.

AND WE REALIZED THE STATUES NEXT TO IT WERE CHASING AFTER US TOO!!!

AUGH DOCTOR WHO!! SAVE ME!!

THEN SOME WEIRD CASTLE TOMBSTONE THING CAME OUTTA NOWHERE!

And because we're not idiots, we DIDN'T GO IN. F*CK DAT SH*T.

HERE'S A VIDEO OF ME RUNNING FROM EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD:

We were able to escape the cemetery. But just barely. In celebration I motorboated the hooker's rack.

What else could I do?

It was real awkward seeing the guys who tried to kill me at work the following Monday.... Yeesh...