Sea Day 1 - Wines, Martinis, and Newly Wed Game Shows. Oh my!

Ahhhh, our first day at sea! Sam and I woke up and checked the TV for our location on the world map. It appeared we were somewhere parallel to North Carolina. We opened the curtains and peeked outside.

Um, steward, I'd like a little more ocean, please?

When we saw the waves swelling around us, a little bit of nausea set in. We realized we needed something to eat pronto or we would blow chunks all over the balcony. So we went up to deck 12 to the buffet to get some breakfast grub. 

The only time I can be hungover and still look like a douche. MY PARADISE.

While walking through the buffet, I still felt overwhelmed by the variety of food choices. Everything looked great.  After what felt like half an hour, I settled on utter decadence.

Two eggs benedict, two sausages, and a chocolate croissant. Total caloric intake? 250 million.

After breakfast, we decided to explore the ship. It was still a little chilly outside and very windy, so I had to wear jeans and a long sleeve shirt. We walked through the Cafe towards the stern of the ship, where the restaurant opened up onto a large patio. From there we could see what the ship left in its wake.

Utter destruction! The water is surprisingly blue, though.

Then we walked up another deck onto the "fun deck". Historically, on older ships, it would be the boat deck. I preferred to call it the roof deck. CUZ I'M A REBEL.

REBEL WITH A DRUNKEN CAUSE. These stairs lead up to the rock climbing wall! It's way too cold and windy to rock climb, unfortunately. What do you want me to do, DIE ON A ROCK CLIMBING WALL? Is that what you WANT?? What the hell!!!

As we kept walking back towards the bow, we discovered the pool deck. The area included two large pools, six jacuzzis, and a water slide. At this time only a couple people were enjoying these amenities. They were mostly in the jacuzzis.

I LOVE the kitschy palm tree lamps. Makes me feel like I'm in a tropical paradise in the eighties!

Suddenly, a shocking memory flashed before my eyes! The previous night, during our drunken revelry, I forced Sam to sign us up for a wine tasting at 2 pm. Thankfully, it was only half past one, so we had plenty of time to mosey over there and get a good seat. The tasting was located on deck 7 or 8 (I don't remember and who the freak really cares) at the specialty French restaurant called, Le Bistro.

We got there early enough to get a great table. Six wines were included, and their labels were written underneath on a sheet of paper. We also had cubes of cheese and some crackers as well.

As the sassy sommelier went on and on about the different blends and smells and protocols of tasting and crap, I WAS JUST SO HAPPY TO BE SURROUNDED BY SO MUCH BOOZE, I had Sam take a glamour shot.

Let's call this the before picture, shall we?

The sassy sommelier lady knew her shit. She knew her shit like the back of her hand. Like the back of her hand was covered in shit and she knew it. We explored the look, the smell, the legs (?), and the taste of the wine. Then each wine was paired with one of the cheeses. It was amazing to taste the difference between wine on its own and wine paired with food. As I mentioned previously, SHE KNEW HER SHIT. HER SHIT WAS KNOWN. At the risk of sounding like a french snob, each wine truly opened up a bouquet of flavors, once you followed the right tasting process. It was surprisingly informative, and also...

IT WAS FUN TO GET DRANK. This is what I refer to as, "The After Picture".

Once we finished the wine tasting, we were hit by another memory from the previous night. We ALSO signed up for a MARTINI TASTING right after! Thankfully, the wine tasting didn't last too long, so we had a little time to kill. I chose to spend this time by insulting Sam. As one naturally does, AMIRIGHT?

Then I found another lady encased in carbonite!

Man, these guys make Jabba look like an amateur.

So about a bazillion people showed up to the martini tasting. So many people, in fact, that they ran out of martini glasses! So I got mini coke glasses or something.

We got us a cosmo martini... a tequila martini... and vodka martini... I think there was a coconut martini... and a blue martini. Blue is a flavor!

We also made friends with the three couples sitting near us! They were very friendly, and counted me as a "bro" among men. Or something. ...

I couldn't do a gang or hand symbol so I did the whitest thing anyone could ever possibly do...

After the wine and martini tasting, we were sufficiently wasted. We needed food. So we, with our new friends in tow, went to one of the nicer included restaurants onboard. It was the Magenta restaurant. It was very similar to a fancy steakhouse. 

Then someone stole my camera and took a picture of these knuckleheads.

I don't remember much of dinner to be honest. I think I ordered some kind of soup. Or I ate someone else's soup. I know there was definitely soup involved. But after dinner the couples wanted to go to some kind of couples game show at the Spinnaker Lounge. Sam and I had nothing else planned so, why not?

Bad decision.

The couples convinced Sam to enter our names into the show. No one ever thought that we would get picked and it was more of a joke than anything else. Once the show started, it turned out it wasn't just a couples games show, but a NEWLYWED game show. They were looking for three couples, one that had just been recently married, another that was around 15 years down the line, and a third that was over 25 years. Sam and I were picked... as the recently married couple. We had to pretend to be a recently married same-sex couple in front of at least two or three hundred strangers. According to the cruise director, we were only the second same-sex couple to have been chosen to do this in his career. We would then be judged and ranked based on our responses to some... intimate questions... DON'T WORRY. Oh, don't you worry. There IS a DVD of this. It was awkward, hilarious, and fun, and for the remainder of the vacation Sam and I sort of became mini-celebrities.

Funny enough, we got second place. Woo! That means free champagne!

It was a very unique experience to say the least, and surprisingly, we never met anyone afterward who was contentious or exhibited disapproval. Everyone we met was completely supportive and encouraging. It was very sweet. Though, admittedly, there was a hint of dishonesty to it. At least it was good to know that people on this cruise were warm and welcoming. It made the vacation that much more fun, and it meant a lot to me personally. It was also pretty exciting to be recognized in various places on the ship and in port.

After the game show, we stumbled back to our stateroom and discovered someone waiting for us in the bed!

AWW IT'S A LITTLE RAT CREATURE WAITING TO EAT MY TOES OFF!

Sam and I were both very drunk at this point. We were also worked up from all the excitement of the day. I decided I needed to take a walk around the ship. I wanted to explore more and use up some of that extra energy. I wasn't tired at all, even though it was around 2 am. So I went down to the promenade deck.

Nothing lulls me to sleep quite like walking underneath some heavy lifeboats in the ocean air.

And then, according to the following footage, I LEGITIMATELY LOST MY MIND.

From the promenade deck I made my way back up to the pool deck, just to see what it was like at 2 am.

Not a lot happening, oddly enough. I guess they don't want people to drown or something?

From there I went to the highest decks on the ship, decks 14 and 15. Somewhere around there I found the arcade!

I remember sitting in those orange car seats at the way back for a while. I have no idea why.

From there I just walked where ever the HELL I WANTED TO.

You expect me to know where this is?? Hey, I consider myself lucky that I'm still on the ship!

On deck 15 there was a public sun deck. Of course, at night, that deck is rendered useless.

I DID see some teenagers having a pow wow! They left quickly after my old cranky bones wandered through their territory. Little did they know that I was just as scared of them as they were of me.

The highest decks had some stunning views of the ship at night.

Something about the blue lights... they made me very sleepy...

When I wandered to the very front of the ship I found these weird over-sized wicker couches! They were actually really comfortable.

A little... TOO... comfortable...

I lay down on one of them, just to see what it was like, and quickly found myself dozing. Since I'd rather not die of exposure, I decided it was time for bed. I made my way back to the cabin for a badly needed deep sleep. What. A. Day.

Embarkation Day - Boarding/Exploring the Ship!

Well, well, well. Look who we have here... welcome, my fellow thirsty drunk travelers! IM BAAAAACK. And I've come-a-packin' with a whole new booze-filled adventure for ya! Behold! I'll spin tales of wonder and amazement that'll surely toast your tummies in this HORRIBLE WRETCHED COLD. cuz it's stupid cold. So my friend Sam and I booked a cruise! We needed to get away from the city and relax, so we chose a 9-day trip departing from and returning to New York. I had never been on a cruise before, so I was extremely excited to cross off a major item on my bucket list. We chose the Norwegian Gem, a 93,000 ton, 965 ft. long mega ship with a passenger and crew capacity of 3,500. DAS A LOTTA PEEPS.

So the night prior to our departure, I stayed at Sam's since his apartment is FOUR BLOCKS from the port. We kept that night low key since I was exhausted from packing all day. The next morning, we got all of our crap together and decided to take a cab. We weren't sure if we would be able to walk into the terminal so we decided to play it safe and just hitch a ride.

This is undoubtedly the first of many thousands of cigarettes Sam will inhale.

There was some traffic going towards the ship terminal, so it took a little longer than usual. Once we arrived, I was absolutely overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of everything around me. The number of people waiting, the port, the ship, the river... everything was breathtaking and all I wanted was a damn Bloody Mary.

The view of the ship from the terminal.

Luckily, boarding the ship was straightforward and relatively painless. We gave our luggage to the porters, checked our magnums of wine (you can bring as many bottles of wine with you as you like, but liquor bottles will be confiscated and returned to you at the end of the cruise), and blew through security and check-in. We got our hotel key cards which also act as ship currency/credit cards and proceeded to the gangways to board the giant floating hotel.

Glass gangways... similar to glass houses?

The height as well as the length of the ship impressed me.

If placed on its stern with the bow pointing towards the sky, it would be taller than the Bank of America building on sixth avenue (without the spire).

Since Sam and I got to the terminal so early, we had about an hour to kill before our staterooms would become available to us. In addition, it would be another couple of hours before we received our luggage. So we went to the included buffet on deck 12 at a restaurant called The Garden Cafe. We sat next to the windows, and this was our view.

It was a surprisingly warm and clear day.

I was so overwhelmed by the limitless food options so I kind of went crazy and got half a sandwich and a slice of cake... at the same time.

At the time it felt like a really good idea and once I realized my mistake I was too embarrassed to do anything about it. Then I put the cake IN the sandwich and ate it all together while Sam looked on with disgust.

After brunch/lunch, an announcement was made that our staterooms were ready. So Sam and I ventured down to deck 9, mid ship port side to check out our home for the next nine days.

Twin beds and a balcony? Not too shabby. But since Sam is 500 feet tall he had difficulty fitting his body onto it. OH WELL SUCKS TO BE TALL ON A CRUISE SHIP BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHA.

Then I took the camera on a terrifying tour of the bathroom.

We noticed a placard of some sorts on the beauty mirror... thing... table. A bouvie? Bourie? Boostie? Vanity? Renoir? I dunno.

It's our room steward!!! I'm hoping the letters and numbers mean he's a lifeless automaton with which I can rewire and cause havoc!

THEN THE BEST THING HAPPENED!!! I turned on the TV and THIS MOVIE WAS PLAYING!!!!!

If you don't know what movie this is we will never be friends.

So we watched that for a bit and didn't really know what to do with ourselves. The ship wasn't leaving for another couple of hours so we decided to set out and explore the ship. Within minutes I was able to locate the bridge!!

And I danced cuz das where I wanna be snuggling up to Patrick Stewart.

Then Sam blackmailed me into taking a picture of him. ... ... ... 

Look a little more unimpressed willya, Sam?

From there a ship-wide announcement was made that a lecture on "free-style dining" was going to be held momentarily at the Stardust Theater, towards the bow of the ship. We didn't have anything else to do so we headed there to check it out.

The theater, complete with an orchestra and mezzanine level, was located at the very front of the Gem.

The lecture was very informative. It explained what free-style dining meant, which is basically the ability to eat whenever you want with whomever you want, at any of the available restaurants onboard. They listed which restaurants were included and which would have a minimal cover charge. After the presentation, we went to the back of the ship, on one of the top decks, to explore the Bliss Lounge, one of the hot nightspots.

A sexy lady encased in carbonite? Nothing makes me wanna party more!

Then Sam had to cop a feel.

Inappropriate. Her boobs are super perky though.

After Sam's sexual harassment of the maiden statue, we felt a little thirsty, so we headed back to the stateroom to pop open a bottle of white wine to celebrate. To celebrate our vacation that is... not Sam... molesting the... ladyANYWAY I took a great stupid picture!

YAY LEMME GET AT IT IMA EAT DA GLASS W DA WINE INSIDE

Then we got word that the ship was finally leaving!!!! Funny enough, I found a mural ON THE SHIP of the bon voyage I was picturing.

Isn't it... like... bad luck or something to have a picture of a famous sunken ship on your ship? No? Yet women were considered bad luck to have on ship?? WHAT THE HELL??

Instead this is what actually happened:

And then Sam got a little too excited...

And by this time the wine was catching up to me so I made a video that would PROVE TO THE WORLD how good of a sea captain I would be...

THEN THIS BOAT WAS FOLLOWING US and I thought it was the popo and I got so nervous cuz what if they're after my wine??

I'M NOT GIVIN UP ME CONTRABAND, YE BASTARDS!

And suddenly we were down by lower Manhattan.

And the police boat couldn't catch up! We were moving too fast!

And sure enough, Manhattan was slipping away into the distance...

BYE BYE COLD AND WIND. GET OUTTA THE WAY STATEN ISLAND FERRY NO ONE LIKES YOU!

Then the Verrazano Bridge was passing us by. The last landmark between New York Harbor and the Atlantic Ocean...

Once New York finally fell away from sight, we did some more exploring. And by that I mean Sam needed to smoke a cigarette and the only public place he could do it was in the casino. So we went there to check it out. It had giant windows facing the water, and for someone who has never been out this far from land, it was fascinating to see the open ocean from a fifteen story building.

Although the casino was on deck 6 or something so I was only six stories up... BUT THAT'S STILL PRETTY COOL.

I went immediately to the bar, and MY GOD THEY WERE GIVING OUT FREE BOOZE. Some sort of champagne punch concoction which tasted sorta great but sorta strong so who really GAVE A BAT. Bat?

Sam with his free drink and cigarette. He's like a hooker in Vegas waiting for a potential client.

And then, I purchased my first drink on the ship. I wanted to capture the moment that initiated the spiral out of control into inevitable financial ruin, so I made Sam TAKE A PICTURE.

Bottom's up CHASE BANK BAHAHA

Somehow we moved from the casino into some lounge area towards the middle of the ship. I dunno how, I dunno where. All I know is there was a good time to be had.

And the cheesy decor certainly added to the fun!

And then Sam got to the same level of drunk as me, so he made me take a picture of him. I took a video by accident instead...

Then I heard there was some sort of opening performance, which included meeting the high ranking officers, a comedy routine, and some music and dancing. SO OF COURSE I WANTED TO GO.

Nothing can beat that curtain design. My god. Genius. Looks a little like me, no?

They had a whole spectacle where things were singing and lights were lighting and music was ... music playing and then they introduced the officers!

One of them was a chef. Teehee.

Then I was HUNGRY. So Sam and I went to Blue Lagoon to get some comfort food. First course: Beer.

mmm. Beer.

Second course, a panini, buffalo wings, and fish and chips. ALL OF THIS WAS INCLUDED. Also, this particular establishment is 24-hour, so it knows it'll be seeing me mucho.

Good thing I'm immune to cholesterol.

THEN SOMETHING WONDERFUL HAPPENED. We overheard one of the servers saying that Magenta (one of the other included restaurants), was having a LOBSTER SPECIAL. So we ate our food... AND THEN HAD SECOND DINNER THERE. Like... right after. RIGHT AFTER WE JUST ATE.

If this isn't foreshadowing I don't know what is. BUT IT WAS SO GOOD. I don't regret it. AT. ALL.

After dinner we decided to go back to the stateroom to wash up and change. We wanted to explore the nightlife on the ship, and being covered in lobster and butter simply would not make a good first impression. Unfortunately, the way back to the stateroom was more difficult than just walking up a few stairs. The seas were rough that night, and the entire ship was swaying back and forth.

Once we got to the stateroom, I went into the bathroom to change and wash up. When I walked out, I turned to the beds and saw that Sam was fast asleep. I still had energy, so I had no choice but to aggravate him.

Once I rudely woke him up, we made our way to the Bliss Lounge for a few more drinks and to see if we could meet some new people on the ship. It was pretty low key, so Sam and I just got unnecessarily drunk and the only photo I seemed to have taken was this:

She expressed exactly what I was feeling. There are so many women encased in carbonite on this ship... yeesh.

What a day! Tomorrow is another filled with more adventures! Stay tuned ya butt faces!