Port 2 - St. Martin/St.Maarten/FRIENDLY DRUNK ISLAND BAHAH

I woke up this morning to this strange music playing...

For those of you who can't play videos, it was the Jurassic Park theme song and this was our view from the balcony...

I'm sorry, how could I see this and NOT thing of dinosaurs!? SO SUE ME. Actually, please don't. I dont have any money.

Today our excursion was at 8 am. So Sam and I had to get up RUHL EARLY in order to make it to the dock on time. Somehow, we got ourselves together with plenty of time to spare. So we went to the buffet to grab breakfast.

Blueberry pancakes with eggs, bacon, and sausage. I AM GOING TO DIE A GLUTTON ON THIS SHIP AND I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THAT.

The ship docked relatively quickly. We were able to make our way to the pier without any huge crowds or other impediments. This was probably due to the fact that it was so early in the morning. On a neighboring pier, we saw one of the largest ships afloat in the world.

Oasis of the Seas... it has a boardwalk and a central park in the center of the ship. It's height, width, and length undeniably dwarfs our Norwegian Gem.

St. Martin is an extremely popular destination in the Caribbean for cruise ships. We heard rumors that this day they were expecting at least five massive cruise ships. At least 2,000 people on each ship... so around 10,000 people were visiting the island today. 10,000... annoying... tourists... on one little island... I wanted to have a panic attack. But gosh, the weather was just so nice... and there wasn't a cloud in the sky... I just wasn't able to let it get to me. I was too excited!

So Sam and I took pictures of each other taking pictures on the dock.

The pier had this strange street set up. It was as if it were a long road and each ship were office buildings. Take out the lifeboats, and this doesn't look all that different from Park Avenue in Manhattan...

BUT THEY WAS SHIPS.

We met our tour group at the meeting point, and soon we were led to a large bus at the end of the pier. There were only about a dozen of us, which made me happy. Larger tour groups mean more of chance of idiots getting lost, and less access to information. It's also less intimate. Our bus driver was hilarious and extremely friendly. St. Martin/St. Maarten was divided into two sides. The Dutch side, where our ship was docked, and the French side. Our tour took us directly from the pier over to the French side of the island. Although the two sides belong to two different countries, the residents all work together toward a common goal. They share the same water and electrical supply. They have no real need for borders and passports. The difference between the two sides was superficial. Our first stop was a local rum shop. The company was named Ma Doudou (pronounced mah doodoo).

Unforunate sounding name in English, but man... the rum... OH MY GOD...

What made this company special was that it didn't produce or distill its own rum. All of its rum was imported. However, they used local ingredients to FLAVOR the rum. Their choices of  flavored rum was seemingly endless.

The company representative gave us free tastings of their most popular rum flavors.

The first sample was their most popular. It was flavored with real local bananas and vanilla beans.

It was so sweet and delicious, I could actually pour this over pancakes. Or make an excellent alcoholic creme brulee?

Our next sampling was blue. I am always suspicious of drinks that are blue...

Turns out it was flavored with coconut and blue curacao.

I was so happy to be getting such delicious free booze so early in the morning that I forced Sam to take a picture of me.

Before the drunk sets in and I look like a fool.

But then he wanted a picture of himself... begrudgingly, I obliged.

Ugh. Get a grip.

The shop had a wide range of flavors, all of them locally produced. Sam purchased a guava berry flavored rum (with real guava berries in it), and I stuck with the banana vanilla rum. They also had chocolate rum, coffee rum, mango rum... it was unbelievable how many flavors they had. Once everyone purchased their own body weight in rum, we boarded the bus. Our next stop was a local perfume factory down the street.

Walking into it was... overwhelming... the smell... I thought I was going to die.

The couple who owned and operated it were from Minnesota. They came to the island to produce their own brand of fragrances. They had products available for both men and women. At a certain point, it became difficult to tell the difference between all the smells. So they placed little cups of coffee beans on the display tables as well. This supposedly would help reset your sense of smell, (there is no conclusive evidence that that technique actually works. But hey, it was nice to smell something other than perfume and cologne for a bit). We received a lecture and a quick demonstration on what goes in to making perfumes. I'd tell you the specifics, but they'd have to kill me. Soon it was time to return to the bus. Our driver then took us to a road near the beach that had at least a dozen restaurants lined up next to each other. He finally dropped us off at an establishment with a spectacular view of the beach.

Utter perfection.

Here, we received a quick and informative cooking demonstration from the head chef of the restaurant!

He was very charming and also an excellent chef. Definitely something to write home about.

He and a volunteer from our group cooked us fresh shrimp in a sweet and sour sauce.

A little sample. Can I have all of it now, please?

Then they cooked Bananas Foster. Good LORD. THAT WAS SO GOOD.

My first time having Bananas Foster from scratch. Gotta say, it could be my new favorite dessert.

After the cooking demonstration, we got free mini-cocktails. We had about an hour to kill before the bus returned to take us back to the ship. So Sam and I took a short walk along the beach.

Crystal clear water on a perfect day. GET OUTTA THE SHOT OLD LADY I DON'T NEED YOU TO REMIND ME WHAT I'M GOING TO BECOME IN FIVE YEARS.

A family who recognized us from the game show offered to take a photo of us. We were in such a good mood, we couldn't refuse.

I wish I sucked my tummy in a little more...

Thankfully, Sam and I had the forethought to bring bathing suits. So we quickly changed into them and went for a swim. It was impossible not to. Too soon, the bus arrived, and we boarded it to go back to the Gem.

We saw magnificent views of the sea from the bus.

We got to the port around midday. There were about six cruise ships docked at this time, and tons of people walking around the cute little fake village next to the pier. The village comprised mostly of kitschy bars and souvenir shops. Suddenly, I spotted a store that was PERFECT FOR ME!!!

Macarons! Coffee, chocolate, and passion fruit. HOLY JEEBUS. They was soo gooodd.

From the shop we could see four of the six massive ships all moored to one pier.

It's like a city of cruise ships.

We stopped by the room and saw that the room steward made us a little friend!

A decapitated squid, I presume?

But the tentacles kinda took on a life of their own...

Now... what does that look like to you? One word. Badonkadonk...

Since it was early in the afternoon, we still had the whole day ahead of us. It was so strange to have had such an adventure and still be able to do so much more. But Sam and I were tired. So we went to the pool deck and relaxed. Or... rather, tried to relax. There was a concert playing that was... extraordinarily loud...

But I didn't mind it too much. Pretty soon, I was grooving along to it myself!

Once the sun went down, we watched some TV, I read some of my book, and we had a light dinner. Then we stopped by one of the bars on the top deck for a nightcap. From here, I saw a chorus of people dancing stupidly.

Heh, fools dancing to the YMCA. Gimme a break. I had a video but it broke the website.

We decided to turn in early in order to get enough rest for St. Thomas. For THAT, I assure you, we would need ALL of our strength!

Port 1 - Old San Juan, Puerto Rico - The Bacardi Distillery

So. Hungover. What... what happened? What even... I don't even remember... how did I get... am I on a SHIP!?

Needless to say, I was not in the best of moods when I woke up this morning. I thought it warranted a selfie.

Funny thing is, I kinda look the same. Consistently Terrible, is what they call me. I need to trim my arm pits.

Suddenly, I looked up and this was floating past our balcony.

One of the old Spanish forts in San Juan. It was protecting the harbor from pirates and stupid white people! ...clearly... it needs an upgrade.

We could see parts of the old city as we sailed deeper into the harbor to dock.

It looks... a LITTLE different from Manhattan. Just a little.

Another cruise ship had beaten us! Princess cruises was waiting for us at the pier. They were mocking us for our tardiness, I bet!

This means war!

We had a view of the port terminal from our balcony.

How quaint...

And in the distance an old fortress towered above the city.

'Tis from there I shall rule my newly conquered island!

We had to wait until 3pm to disembark. We needed to get down to the terminal pronto, for Sam and I booked an excursion that would take us to the Bacardi factory. The only catch was we had to get there by 3:15. When we left the cabin, it seemed like the entire ship needed to get off at exactly the same time. The line for the gangways went up at least three decks. It didn't take too long, and we were able to make the tour, it was just overwhelming to be crammed with so many people.

Fortunately, for Sam, that's his forte. 

I wasn't in an entirely great mood. The hangover mixed with all the people made me WANNA DRINK AND I WAS SO SOBER. So. Sober. I was so sober. Waaaaaah!

You don't want to see me when I'm sober.

We met the tour group and they led us outside to an air conditioned bus. I was able to snap a photo of the ship from there.

Weird to see it from the outside. It looks so different. It looks... like... A SHIP. Not a floating hotel/ bed with bar nearby...place.

On the bus we received a brief lecture on the history of San Juan and Puerto Rico. We also got a run down on the socio-economic status of the commonwealth. Essentially, things are really cheap down there. But that's mostly due to the very low annual income average. After about twenty five minutes, we reached the Bacardi distillery. A giant nacho building was there to greet us!

It's a bar/cafe! That mostly just looks like a nacho. Oh man, I want nachos now.

We got two free drink tickets, and they were included in the tour. My first drink needed to be something TROPICAL. So I went for the coconut rum and pineapple!

The glass might be little but the pour was... SUFFICIENT. heh heh.

For our second round, Sam and I got the aged rum on the rocks. It was wonderful. It tasted fruity, with hints of banana, and went down smooth like fiberglass cigarettes.

I'm hoping it's not as damaging to my lungs, however.

It was good we were able to get free drinks. It served well during the waiting period. That's right, there was about a forty minute waiting period for our tour. Bacardi is extremely popular, and it's not uncommon for any group to wait a good amount of time before actually beginning the tour. But hey, THAT'S WHAT THE DRINKS IS FOR, EH? Not long after we finished our second drink, our group was called and we stepped on a little trolley and were whisked away!...

Whisked away about fifty feet... to the tourist building.

Outside the building I got a shot of one of the processing plants or ... aging... vats... or something I dunno who the hell cares gimme more rum. Interestingly enough, this factory is one of the largest producers of Bacardi rum in the world.

If this place shut down, there would be worldwide panic... in Miami, mostly.

Inside the tourist building, we saw a fountain sculpture of the bat, Bacardi's infamous logo. The story behind the bat: APPARENTLY, in one of the original distilleries back in Cuba, fruit bats would sleep from the ceilings. The bat became a symbol of family unity, loyalty, and success for Bacardi. To this day, the company is still owned and managed by the Bacardi family.

I'm going to drink your rum-infused bloooood BWAJAJA

Then when Sam was forcing me into taking a picture of him with MY CAMERA. SAM. A lady (who I think saw us on the game show) offered to take a picture of the BOTH of us.

I couldn't say no! IT WOULD DESTROY THE ILLUSION. CURSE YOUUU GAME SHOW GODDSSS!!!

The tour included a movie (which I couldn't record) and a museum complete with a replica of the original Bacardi distillery (which I couldn't photograph). In the museum they had oak barrels full of different flavored rums. I was able to smell (not taste, unfortunately) each type of rum they had. I loved the well-aged rum. Made me feel like a pirate or a Cuban revolutionary! ...or counterrevolutionary let's not get ourselves in too deep here, Steven... let's... it's... I didn't say nothing about nobody I DIDN'T SEE NOTHING. Everything's gonna be allllll riiiiiiight.... NO BLACKLISTS, MCCARTHY!!!

Then we were led to this fancy-ass bar where this guy was being sassy and telling us how to make REAL drinks. He taught us how to make a Mojito, a Cuba Libre, and a Daiquiri (a lime daiquiri, the ORIGINAL daiquiri).

He was very charming and knew his shit... KNEW HIS SHIT LIKE THE BACK OF HIS...

But I won't bore you with how well he knew his shit. After our drink-making demonstration, we were led into some kind of showroom...

Where all I could do was drool...

Then the tour concluded. We got back on the trolley, drove back to the nacho building, and bought some souvenirs. Then our guide herded us cats onto the bus, and we made our way back to the harbor.

On the way we passed the San Juan ... official... government... law... reading... building... 

A few blocks from the port, our guide gave us an option. She said the bus could drop us off here so we could explore the Old City for a bit, or we could remain in the vehicle and we would be taken directly to the ship. Sam and I have a drive for adventure, so we busted outta that autobus like a fetus busting out of its mother.

And went exploring into the unknown!

We had about an hour to kill before we would have to board the ship, so we just walked through the streets and plazas.

There were a lot of souvenir shops and restaurants in the area... as well as a Starbucks!

It started getting dark so Sam and I decided to head back to port. The directions seemed simple enough... "Just head THAT way," the tour guide told us. So we did. And somehow we ended up going a very... very wrong way. We ended up walking in an area with major thoroughfares yet very little light. We had inadvertently ventured off into the REAL San Juan, NOT the touristy San Juan. We quickly decided to retrace our steps and start over. Along the way, we tried a different street, and suddenly the harbor was in view. With a big sigh of relief, we walked hurriedly back to where the ship was docked. Unfortunately, there was this ADORABLE boardwalk along the water and I wanted to get a full glimpse of the ship from the outside, something neither of us had done yet.

The warm weather, the cool breeze, and the palm trees... I couldn't resist...

Along the way, an older couple greeted me. They told me how much it meant to them that a same-sex couple was on the game show. They had a daughter who was also in a same-sex couple and it was so inspiring to them to see us so publicly accepted. I then ripped my own heart out and ate it and died. Then I thanked them and told them how much that meant to me. Then we saw this giant statue of a seahorse!

Awww looks so cute! Also this camera is the worst at taking night shots... yeesh

We turned around and saw just how massively long the ship truly was. hehe.

I eat and drink and poop in that!

We realized we had had enough adventure for one day, i.e. Sam was hungry. So we headed back through the terminal and waited in line to board the ship. No passports were necessary, just your hotel key card and your driver's license.

Not too bad of a line. Those big windows are the hallway that leads to the casino!

Once we got back onboard, we went directly to the buffet for some well-earned grub.

I don't really know what I ate but I remember it tasted GREAT. I was also drunk and dehydrated.

After dinner, we went back to the stateroom. Suddenly, we could feel the ship moving. We looked outside and saw that we were leaving San Juan!

On the way out, this strange little boat wanted to be our friends! ...or something

And then a guy on our ship JUMPED OFF OUR SHIP and onto the little boat!!! WHAT?? I don't.... I don't understand...

By this time it was getting pretty late, and we had to get up very early for our excursion the next day. I couldn't really tell if I was already dreaming, but I thought it wouldn't be a bad idea to just shut my eyes for a while.