Flight and Fight and First Night in Las Vegas!!

Today Michelle, Allie, and I left New York for Las Vegas. We’re celebrating Michelle and mine’s birthdays, which are only a few days apart. SO WE GON GET DRUNK FOR A WHOLE WEEK AND PARTY AND GAMBLE IT UP ON THE INFAMOUS LAS VEGAS TRIP. YAH DAS RIGHT WUT SHUT UP. No, really, shut up. So we got on the plane and were totally pumped!

Allie looks a little terrified...

The six hour flight on American Airlines was awful. I guess traveling internationally spoiled me but there was no personal TV/computer interface, which was fine, but on top of that, you had to pay for booze and food!! Then they would run out of what little refreshments they did offer, even if you wanted to pay. We hadn't eaten before the flight, so needless to say, by the time we got to our destination, we were STARVING. The second we reached baggage claim, we looked to our right, and spotted this magnificent oasis:

Yeah... I really need to study... the uh... alcohol content in various... bottles...

We bought several cases of liquor, which should last us the next few days, and then we jumped in a shuttle and head off to our hotel: The Palms! The shuttle driver seemed angry and frustrated with everyone, which I enjoyed tremendously. On the way to the hotel, we saw a car accident where a minivan had FLIPPED UPSIDE DOWN. It didn't look like anyone was hurt, but our driver simply shouted, “WELL, THIS IS LAS VEGAS FOR YOU!”… … … what. It was funny to pass New York, New York…

Y’know… since apparently we flew six hours from New York to see a mini-New York. Hah.

We finally got to the hotel, checked in, and CHECKED OUT our swanky room!

This is our home for the next week. I love the all-seeing eyes along the wall.

Our view from the window is pretty incredible,

So stimulating...

Not to mention the view of our recent shopping trip,

Think we got enough booze?

In addition to the plethora of alcohol they have available in the room itself.

It's going to be very hard to stay away from this mini-bar

Then Allie and I got into a huge fight and she decided to play dirty.

After we toasted to ourselves and had a few drinks, we went downstairs to the casino/food court area. We made sure to get the casino club card which gives us great discounts and deals.

I suggest to everyone who comes here to get this. 

I found an Earl of Sandwich store in the food court and had to DEVOUR my hot Italian sandwich and macaroni and cheese.

mmmm delicious meaty and cheesey

Michelle was also a little peckish…

Peckish like a squirrel storing nuts for winter.

And Allie looked elegant and graceful with her face full of taco.

Especially with that pinky out

Afterwards, we set off to the penny slots to START MAKIN DAT MONEY. Allie and I threw down a couple bucks.

We're big spenders

Then I threw down a couple more bucks.

I JUST CAN'T STOP

And walked away with an INCREDIBLE sixteen cents. Gotta say, we’re off to a great start! Unfortunately, we are exhausted as balls, SO WE GON GO SLEEP NOW!!! Jet leg, man, jet lag is a bitch.

As is my profit for the evening... 

TILL TOMORROW!!!

Booze Cruise!!! (AKA Carolyn's Glamorous and Classy NIGHT OWWT)

April 14^th, 1912… I mean, September 10^th, 2013. The day the boat stood still. The day Carolyn got jiggy with it, we crashed a wedding party, the boat may have sank, and Texas and I stole some wine. Oh, and then a triple decker chicken salad club sandwich topped off the night. But let me start FROM THE BEGINNINGINNINGINNINGinninginninginning… … … with my bahbah!

What a beautiful sight to see...

For those of you who don’t know me AT ALL, I don’t carry a flask, but I like to pregame, especially for events that encourage booze. Logically, rationally, and reasonably, what’s a better way to drink than to drink before drinking AMIRIGHT. So like the good Samaritan that I am, I don’t expose our nation’s noble little ones to some small metallic cylinder that smells of nineteenth century saloon fights and Williamsburg hipsters! I take the high road, you puritanical tyrants! I take a bottle of some unassuming non-alcoholic drink, empty half of it, then fill that empty half with my favorite lady: lady liquor! For this night, I went classy. Iced tea with some gin, cognac, wine, and a bunch of fruit liquors I found lying around. Then I set off for the boat! Unfortunately, my bahbah tasted really great and I drank it all within like twenty minutes and by the time I got to the boat I was sober again.

My plan was foiled!

From the dock, however, I spied several bars and a dance floor. So I had faith that I was in good hands. Texas and I got there early, and we waited in SUSPENSE for CAROLYN, NICOLE, AND HIS WIFE, KYLE to show up.

We were worried the ship might cast off without them!

Once we boarded, our compatriots joined us shortly after.

Don’t tell anyone, but Nicole looks REALLY different…

We got our first round of drinks,

Caroyln's EIGHTH...

And set off into the East River! The river of a crap load of bridges!

The view was pretty though,

The blurriness is ART you judgmental ass wipes!

And we were even inspired to force Kyle into taking a picture of us boozehounds.

Everyone looks great except for the IDIOT IN THE BACKGROUND GET OUTTA THE WAY, IDIOT!

Then there were some buildings here and there.

With some really, just... really ugly people in between

And the further down the river we traveled, the drunker we became!

Nicole decided to be Barbie and everyone else decided to be themselves. Ugh.

Then I thought it was a good idea to take a video going under the Brooklyn Bridge… (and accidentally making drunken threats against national landmarks, what?! HUH!?)

And proceeded to get a little… uh… video recording happy…

I WAS able to snap one very nice picture of Carolyn!

Before everything went to hell...

And I decided that the smolder look was my look of the night.

Kiss me I'm wearing three different shirts at the same time in eighty degree weather

Let's tango

Oh, man, do I look sexy...

Then I wanted to share with everyone this drunken slice of Americana.

And then be a great friend and take a flattering picture of the newlywed couple!

Why is she laughing? Nothing that's being said is funny.

Eh. I guess this one is slightly better.

*barf*

Then I thought it was a great idea to insult this random giant statue JUST FLOATING AROUND in the middle of the ocean!

Isn’t that a hazard!? A shipping hazard!? A hazard full of ships??

Then Kyle hijacked my camera and took a picture of himself and his husband, Nicole.

Is her neck supposed to bend like that?

And Carolyn decided to have her own dance party at the stern of the ship.

Then somehow this really ugly picture showed up on my camera somehow.

Soooo ugllyyyy

So anyway, back to serious matters, the ship had two decks for passengers to wander around. We spent most of the time on the upper deck outside, but decided at some point to check out the lower deck. We go down, and there’s a dance floor with virtually no one on it! So of course Carolyn jumps in, and starts her groovin’. Unbeknownst to her… some random lady decided to sneak up behind her and start showing off her OWN moves…

Then Carolyn somehow found herself in the middle of a circle of dancing Asian women…

Which then VERY QUICKLY BECAME A WEDDING PARTY, AND THE BRIDE AND GROOM BEGAN THEIR FIRST DANCE TOGETHER… with Carolyn unintentionally caught in the crossfire…

To this DAY, we have NO IDEA how there was suddenly a WEDDING reception happening on the boat. But, since it was a celebration, Texas and I decided to help ourselves to some of the chilled white wine…

From there, we decided we overstayed our welcome, and made our way back to the upper deck of the ship. We walked to the stern and got a nice view of people smoking below us.

Cigarettes? Or crack? Who knows, really...

And a great view of the pepsi cola sign, which turned the river, as Nicole romantically put it, “into a river of blood”…

Thus spaketh the prophet...

And then I nabbed a selfie.

How could I resist?

Also got one of Nicole looking absolutely radiant.

She adds so much joy to those around her.

And another one of her bring prim and proper. As a goodly newlywed husband SHOULD be.

I've never in my life seen a more perfect picture. Hallmark card, anyone?

After that, the boat sank, we jumped on the one lifeboat, cast off from the boat before anyone else could get on, and a bunch of people drowned. Then we walked to a diner down the road and I had a well-deserved beer.

Blue Moon. Spleesh.

Here is a nice shot of us courtesy of Texas,

Well, most of us...

A great shot of Carolyn trying to EAT THE MENU.

She got bashful once we got the camera out.

And the FINAL SHOT of us leaving behind a decimated red velvet cake slice.

Nothing but smiles, cream cheese frosting, and dry cake at this table.

All in all, save for the ruining of many other people’s cherished memories and lives, I’d say it was a rather successful night! Go us!

Crossing the Delaware Drunkenly (In a RIVER TUBE)

Well, well, well. I’m BACK. I know, I know, I haven’t posted anything in almost a year and within the first couple sentences I’m already using a lot of commas and caps. I NOTICED, THANKS,,,,,,,,,,. But I realized I have been doing a lot of drunken activities this summer and I haven’t been DOCUMENTING THEM. Even if they’re just around NYC, they've still been adventures! So, to make up for it, I’m going to use a couple more commas unnecessarily and LOTS OF CAPS. T,h,e,n I’m going to tell you about my recent adventure this past Saturday. My beer buddies (Nicole, Zoe, Carolyn) and I booked a trip via L*vingS*cial (not sure I'm allowed to use their name here) to do a River Tubing trip to the Delaware River in Northhampton County, Pennsylvania. To prepare, we bought a FLOATING COOLER!!!!!

The website suggested we bring water and snacks. SO WE BROUGHT BEER.

We were well prepared. DESPITE Nicole’s attempts at sabotage, we remembered to bring twine with us in order to tie the cooler to my tube, and then tie each of our tubes together. Ironically, I still got pregnant. The trip included transportation, so we were picked up by a charter bus in midtown very early in the morning.

Nicole and Carolyn are not morning birds. I am. For I am every kind of bird.

Somehow, I then got a bug bite on my forehead. I don’t know if you can see it BUT I COULD SURE FEEL IT.

Is that a song? Or am I just a really great writer?

The ride to the river was about two hours, not too bad, and on the trip they played What Women Want, the heart-wrenching drama based on my life starring Mel Gibson, everyone’s favorite anti-Semite. We then stopped at a shack and got some life vests. Apparently they were required by law or something.

I’m pretty sure my man boobs count as flotation devices, though…

From the Royal Shack of Life Vests we were then SCHLEPPED upstream. Nicole and Carolyn were getting antsy. By antsy I mean sober.

It’s too early for this “dry bus” bullshit.

After our counselors (yes, counselors) dropped us off at the starting point, they instructed us to do things and then other people, that weren't our counselors but still had authority, instructed us to do the exact opposite. Confusing? Good. So was the next half hour. We were supposed to get in the river and go to the right but not the right, the left, and not the center but not all the way to the left and then there would be a bridge and if we passed another bridge we would be dead.  There were also a lot of “don’t pull in when you pull out” and “just don’t pull out until you’re ready” descriptions which made little sense to me even when my immature giggling subsided.  BUT AFTER ALL THAT, we got our tubes, tied the cooler to my tube, and set off!

I don’t think George Washington had this in mind for his vision of America… or did he...

Although the website said we could tie our tubes together (I’m still pregnant), once we got there the people-that-weren’t-our-counselors-but-still-had-authority told us we couldn't. It was illegal. Which I guess makes sense, since the last thing I’d want is to get sucked into a cluster of rapids because Zoe got a little too ambitious. But at the same time, because different sections of the river have different currents, this is what would happen instead:

Once I finally caught up with my motley crew, we were finally able to just sit back, relax, drink a beer (or four), and bask in the sunlight. We lucked out. The day was gorgeous. Not too hot or humid.  It was absolutely perfect. The warm glow of the sun penetrated the water and you could see all the way to the bottom. The water added a greenish tint to the river rocks. Turtles could be seen tanning on a nearby island. There was this enveloping serenity and tranquility in the environment surrounding us. Oh, and then I floated into a giant rock. Hard. No joke. Titanic style. I was able to snap a shot of the river itself though.

Before I went down. All hands were lost.

 So we continued to float along and drink our beers.

Zoe kept lifting her leg in the air. Seriously. Look at the video above she does it there, too.

At times we were caught in a very slow moving current. So it felt like we weren't moving at all. Which… is kind of the point, right?

I forced Zoe to take a picture of me… which meant the beer was having an effect…

By the way that's not really Gatorade. It's everything BUT Gatorade. I'm also naked except for the sneakers. Weird, right?

And then we had another disaster. Carolyn got stuck in her tube. Like, stuck. Actually stuck. Her ass was being sucked through the tube by the river and she couldn’t get out.

She’s got a lot of prahblems.

Don't pay attention to that beer can, officer, she was just holding mine...

And then... you just get to a point where you have to give up defending the guilty...

We never saw her again. The is the last surviving image of our sweet Carolyn, RIP

 And Nicole sat idly by.

She also stole my Gatorade... "Gatorade"...



Once Carolyn was able to get a grip, we drifted further down the river, underneath a bridge, to a beach where the other adventure seekers had landed. From there, we got up and dropped our tubes and life vests off. Next stop: BARBECUE!

Zoe hates fun.

But then she saw food and her heart of ice melted.

At least long enough to take a decent photograph...

So the trip included a meal, which was wonderful. Next to some abandoned (hopefully) train tracks, a local bar/restaurant set up a giant grill with $2 drink specials. Yum.

AND THEN A TRAIN CAME AND EVERYONE DIED

There was, of course, a long line at first.

Isn't there a flashpass available for this?

 I got a pulled pork sandwich, potato salad, some other crap,

$2 PBR... WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHT

And For some reason I NEEDED to have a hot dog. Just the dog though. Not the bun.

FUCK YOU, BUN.

Then, in melodrama fashion, Nicole tied Zoe up and put her on the tracks.

Mr. Grinch? Don't quit your day job.

Thankfully, Carolyn scooped her up just in the nick of time. After dinner and drinks, we got back on the bus, and began our journey back to midtown. We watched the rest of that side-splitting, critically acclaimed film noir, What Women Want, or no wait... Ghosts of Dead Girlfriends I Killed with Mathew McaCophany? Something like that,

As Carolyn shook her knees on the seat in front of her so the stranger there couldn't sleep.

And the rest of us were subjected to this batty girl behind us yapping about her white girl problems no one cares about. Or she was flirting with the guy across the aisle from her. More likely, she was just white wining.

I MEAN WHY WOULD ANYONE JUDGE HER BASED ON THE FACT THAT HER PARENTS AREN’T MARRIED!? LIKE WTF. WTF. I MEAN LIKE, WHATEVER. LIKE LIKE LIKE WHATEVER AUGH OMG WHERE’S MY PINOT GODDAMN GRIGIO.

CAROLYN GET OUTTA THE WAY

Once we got back, we grabbed another beer together, and headed off our separate ways. I went home and slept for twelve hours straight. And it was glorious. The trip itself was great, even though at times it was alarmingly disorganized and contradictory. My biggest complaint, which really isn't that big, was that I definitely wanted to spend more time on the river. I think we could all agree, another hour or so would have been perfect. Also, this trip made me realize how friggin' ANNOYING yuppie New Yorkers can be ... (not us, we're just drunk and belligerent, we're also not yuppies. We're just sad.)

NEXT ADVENTURE: NEW YORK CITY BOOZE CRUISE!! Stay tuned, you little butt heads!