Crossing the Delaware Drunkenly (In a RIVER TUBE)

Well, well, well. I’m BACK. I know, I know, I haven’t posted anything in almost a year and within the first couple sentences I’m already using a lot of commas and caps. I NOTICED, THANKS,,,,,,,,,,. But I realized I have been doing a lot of drunken activities this summer and I haven’t been DOCUMENTING THEM. Even if they’re just around NYC, they've still been adventures! So, to make up for it, I’m going to use a couple more commas unnecessarily and LOTS OF CAPS. T,h,e,n I’m going to tell you about my recent adventure this past Saturday. My beer buddies (Nicole, Zoe, Carolyn) and I booked a trip via L*vingS*cial (not sure I'm allowed to use their name here) to do a River Tubing trip to the Delaware River in Northhampton County, Pennsylvania. To prepare, we bought a FLOATING COOLER!!!!!

The website suggested we bring water and snacks. SO WE BROUGHT BEER.

We were well prepared. DESPITE Nicole’s attempts at sabotage, we remembered to bring twine with us in order to tie the cooler to my tube, and then tie each of our tubes together. Ironically, I still got pregnant. The trip included transportation, so we were picked up by a charter bus in midtown very early in the morning.

Nicole and Carolyn are not morning birds. I am. For I am every kind of bird.

Somehow, I then got a bug bite on my forehead. I don’t know if you can see it BUT I COULD SURE FEEL IT.

Is that a song? Or am I just a really great writer?

The ride to the river was about two hours, not too bad, and on the trip they played What Women Want, the heart-wrenching drama based on my life starring Mel Gibson, everyone’s favorite anti-Semite. We then stopped at a shack and got some life vests. Apparently they were required by law or something.

I’m pretty sure my man boobs count as flotation devices, though…

From the Royal Shack of Life Vests we were then SCHLEPPED upstream. Nicole and Carolyn were getting antsy. By antsy I mean sober.

It’s too early for this “dry bus” bullshit.

After our counselors (yes, counselors) dropped us off at the starting point, they instructed us to do things and then other people, that weren't our counselors but still had authority, instructed us to do the exact opposite. Confusing? Good. So was the next half hour. We were supposed to get in the river and go to the right but not the right, the left, and not the center but not all the way to the left and then there would be a bridge and if we passed another bridge we would be dead.  There were also a lot of “don’t pull in when you pull out” and “just don’t pull out until you’re ready” descriptions which made little sense to me even when my immature giggling subsided.  BUT AFTER ALL THAT, we got our tubes, tied the cooler to my tube, and set off!

I don’t think George Washington had this in mind for his vision of America… or did he...

Although the website said we could tie our tubes together (I’m still pregnant), once we got there the people-that-weren’t-our-counselors-but-still-had-authority told us we couldn't. It was illegal. Which I guess makes sense, since the last thing I’d want is to get sucked into a cluster of rapids because Zoe got a little too ambitious. But at the same time, because different sections of the river have different currents, this is what would happen instead:

Once I finally caught up with my motley crew, we were finally able to just sit back, relax, drink a beer (or four), and bask in the sunlight. We lucked out. The day was gorgeous. Not too hot or humid.  It was absolutely perfect. The warm glow of the sun penetrated the water and you could see all the way to the bottom. The water added a greenish tint to the river rocks. Turtles could be seen tanning on a nearby island. There was this enveloping serenity and tranquility in the environment surrounding us. Oh, and then I floated into a giant rock. Hard. No joke. Titanic style. I was able to snap a shot of the river itself though.

Before I went down. All hands were lost.

 So we continued to float along and drink our beers.

Zoe kept lifting her leg in the air. Seriously. Look at the video above she does it there, too.

At times we were caught in a very slow moving current. So it felt like we weren't moving at all. Which… is kind of the point, right?

I forced Zoe to take a picture of me… which meant the beer was having an effect…

By the way that's not really Gatorade. It's everything BUT Gatorade. I'm also naked except for the sneakers. Weird, right?

And then we had another disaster. Carolyn got stuck in her tube. Like, stuck. Actually stuck. Her ass was being sucked through the tube by the river and she couldn’t get out.

She’s got a lot of prahblems.

Don't pay attention to that beer can, officer, she was just holding mine...

And then... you just get to a point where you have to give up defending the guilty...

We never saw her again. The is the last surviving image of our sweet Carolyn, RIP

 And Nicole sat idly by.

She also stole my Gatorade... "Gatorade"...



Once Carolyn was able to get a grip, we drifted further down the river, underneath a bridge, to a beach where the other adventure seekers had landed. From there, we got up and dropped our tubes and life vests off. Next stop: BARBECUE!

Zoe hates fun.

But then she saw food and her heart of ice melted.

At least long enough to take a decent photograph...

So the trip included a meal, which was wonderful. Next to some abandoned (hopefully) train tracks, a local bar/restaurant set up a giant grill with $2 drink specials. Yum.

AND THEN A TRAIN CAME AND EVERYONE DIED

There was, of course, a long line at first.

Isn't there a flashpass available for this?

 I got a pulled pork sandwich, potato salad, some other crap,

$2 PBR... WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHT

And For some reason I NEEDED to have a hot dog. Just the dog though. Not the bun.

FUCK YOU, BUN.

Then, in melodrama fashion, Nicole tied Zoe up and put her on the tracks.

Mr. Grinch? Don't quit your day job.

Thankfully, Carolyn scooped her up just in the nick of time. After dinner and drinks, we got back on the bus, and began our journey back to midtown. We watched the rest of that side-splitting, critically acclaimed film noir, What Women Want, or no wait... Ghosts of Dead Girlfriends I Killed with Mathew McaCophany? Something like that,

As Carolyn shook her knees on the seat in front of her so the stranger there couldn't sleep.

And the rest of us were subjected to this batty girl behind us yapping about her white girl problems no one cares about. Or she was flirting with the guy across the aisle from her. More likely, she was just white wining.

I MEAN WHY WOULD ANYONE JUDGE HER BASED ON THE FACT THAT HER PARENTS AREN’T MARRIED!? LIKE WTF. WTF. I MEAN LIKE, WHATEVER. LIKE LIKE LIKE WHATEVER AUGH OMG WHERE’S MY PINOT GODDAMN GRIGIO.

CAROLYN GET OUTTA THE WAY

Once we got back, we grabbed another beer together, and headed off our separate ways. I went home and slept for twelve hours straight. And it was glorious. The trip itself was great, even though at times it was alarmingly disorganized and contradictory. My biggest complaint, which really isn't that big, was that I definitely wanted to spend more time on the river. I think we could all agree, another hour or so would have been perfect. Also, this trip made me realize how friggin' ANNOYING yuppie New Yorkers can be ... (not us, we're just drunk and belligerent, we're also not yuppies. We're just sad.)

NEXT ADVENTURE: NEW YORK CITY BOOZE CRUISE!! Stay tuned, you little butt heads!