April 14th, 1912… I mean, September 10th,
2013. The day the boat stood still. The day Carolyn got jiggy with it, we
crashed a wedding party, the boat may have sank, and Texas and I stole some
wine. Oh, and then a triple decker chicken salad club sandwich topped off the
night. But let me start FROM THE BEGINNINGINNINGINNINGinninginninginning… … …
with my bahbah!
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| What a beautiful sight to see... |
For those of you who don’t know me AT ALL, I don’t carry a flask, but I like to pregame, especially for events that encourage booze. Logically, rationally, and reasonably, what’s a better way to drink than to drink before drinking AMIRIGHT. So like the good Samaritan that I am, I don’t expose our nation’s noble little ones to some small metallic cylinder that smells of nineteenth century saloon fights and Williamsburg hipsters! I take the high road, you puritanical tyrants! I take a bottle of some unassuming non-alcoholic drink, empty half of it, then fill that empty half with my favorite lady: lady liquor! For this night, I went classy. Iced tea with some gin, cognac, wine, and a bunch of fruit liquors I found lying around. Then I set off for the boat! Unfortunately, my bahbah tasted really great and I drank it all within like twenty minutes and by the time I got to the boat I was sober again.
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| My plan was foiled! |
From the dock, however, I spied several bars and a dance
floor. So I had faith that I was in good hands. Texas and I got there early,
and we waited in SUSPENSE for CAROLYN, NICOLE, AND HIS WIFE, KYLE to show up.
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| We were worried the ship might cast off without them! |
Once we boarded, our compatriots joined us shortly after.
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| Don’t tell anyone, but Nicole looks REALLY different… |
We got our first round of drinks,
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| Caroyln's EIGHTH... |
And set off into the East River! The river of a crap load of
bridges!
The view was pretty though,
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| The blurriness is ART you judgmental ass wipes! |
And we were even inspired to force Kyle into taking a picture
of us boozehounds.
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| Everyone looks great except for the IDIOT IN THE BACKGROUND GET OUTTA THE WAY, IDIOT! |
Then there were some buildings here and there.
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| With some really, just... really ugly people in between |
And the further down the river we traveled, the drunker we
became!
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| Nicole decided to be Barbie and everyone else decided to be themselves. Ugh. |
Then I thought it was a good idea to take a video going
under the Brooklyn Bridge… (and accidentally making drunken threats against
national landmarks, what?! HUH!?)
And proceeded to get a little… uh… video recording happy…
I WAS able to snap one very nice picture of Carolyn!
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| Before everything went to hell... |
And I decided that the smolder look was my look of the
night.
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| Kiss me I'm wearing three different shirts at the same time in eighty degree weather |
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| Let's tango |
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| Oh, man, do I look sexy... |
Then I wanted to share with everyone this drunken slice of
Americana.
And then be a great friend and take a flattering picture of
the newlywed couple!
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| Why is she laughing? Nothing that's being said is funny. |
Eh. I guess this one is slightly better.
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| *barf* |
Then I thought it was a great idea to insult this random
giant statue JUST FLOATING AROUND in the middle of the ocean!
Isn’t that a hazard!? A shipping hazard!? A hazard full of
ships??
Then Kyle hijacked my camera and took a picture of himself
and his husband, Nicole.
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| Is her neck supposed to bend like that? |
And Carolyn decided to have her own dance party at the stern
of the ship.
Then somehow this really ugly picture showed up on my camera
somehow.
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| Soooo ugllyyyy |
So anyway, back to serious matters, the ship had two decks for
passengers to wander around. We spent most of the time on the upper deck
outside, but decided at some point to check out the lower deck. We go down, and
there’s a dance floor with virtually no one on it! So of course Carolyn jumps
in, and starts her groovin’. Unbeknownst to her… some random lady decided to
sneak up behind her and start showing off her OWN moves…
Then Carolyn somehow found herself in the middle of a circle
of dancing Asian women…
Which then VERY QUICKLY BECAME A WEDDING PARTY, AND THE
BRIDE AND GROOM BEGAN THEIR FIRST DANCE TOGETHER… with Carolyn unintentionally caught
in the crossfire…
To this DAY, we have NO IDEA how there was suddenly a
WEDDING reception happening on the boat. But, since it was a celebration, Texas
and I decided to help ourselves to some of the chilled white wine…
From there, we decided we overstayed our welcome, and made
our way back to the upper deck of the ship. We walked to the stern and got a
nice view of people smoking below us.
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| Cigarettes? Or crack? Who knows, really... |
And a great view of the pepsi cola sign, which turned the
river, as Nicole romantically put it, “into a river of blood”…
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| Thus spaketh the prophet... |
And then I nabbed a selfie.
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| How could I resist? |
Also got one of Nicole looking absolutely radiant.
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| She adds so much joy to those around her. |
And another one of her bring prim and proper. As a goodly
newlywed husband SHOULD be.
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| I've never in my life seen a more perfect picture. Hallmark card, anyone? |
After that, the boat sank, we jumped on the one lifeboat,
cast off from the boat before anyone else could get on, and a bunch of people
drowned. Then we walked to a diner down the road and I had a well-deserved
beer.
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| Blue Moon. Spleesh. |
Here is a nice shot of us courtesy of Texas,
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| Well, most of us... |
A great shot of Carolyn trying to EAT THE MENU.
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| She got bashful once we got the camera out. |
And the FINAL SHOT of us leaving behind a decimated red
velvet cake slice.
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| Nothing but smiles, cream cheese frosting, and dry cake at this table. |
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