Stolen Hearts and Stolen Bananas AND DUCKS OH MY GOD DUCKS!!! YESSSS

So today was our first full day in Las Vegas. We started off by waking up early, much to my chagrin, to get our free breakfast buffet. I totally splurged and got a huge pile of food. Blueberry pancakes, eggs, sausage, and bacon filled up my tummy perfectly.

Ugh I wanna eat it right now I WANNA EAT THE PICTURE

We then decided to steal a bunch of bananas from the buffet and bring them to our room for snacking later.

Three bananas... plus probably five more

We didn’t bring any bags though, so we had to sneak them into Allie’s pockets.

Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

I don’t think anyone suspected a thing.

Afterwards we showered, got dressed, and set out to meet a few friends of Allie’s and Michelle’s who were also in Las Vegas this weekend.

Gross.

But I had to force Michelle to take a picture of me, first.

Hot damn I look good. HOT DAMN. MMMmmmMMMMm

We got picked up by Michelle’s friends from Miami who now live in California and they drove us to Caesar’s Palace. It was a beautiful building with Roman statues everywhere.

I MAKE SUCH A GOOD ROMAN BABY

I signed up for a club card there to see if I got any discounts, and I they gave me $5 to spend at the slots! Cool!

I'M A BILLIONAIRE AUGH

We walked outside to the strip. It was a gorgeous day, warm and sunny without a cloud in the sky. Then we saw a mojito stand, and got ourselves a little cocktail.

A little cockataily for a little drunkie??

I got a Spanish Steps Lemonade which was basically a Long Island. It was pretty much just all alcohol.

Delicious unadulterated alcohol... mmmm

Then we walked around the grounds of Caesar’s Palace and saw all the cool architecture and crap.

WHITE TRASH HAS INVADED ROME!!

 For some reason there was a Buddhist shrine there. Not… quite… fitting with the whole Roman theme but, eh, whatever.

I SAID WHATEVER BUDDHA LOVED ROME EVERYONE SHUT UP

There were stunning fountains and gardens everywhere.

I hate fountains.

All this beauty made Michelle a very angry drunk.

That guy in the back couldn't get away in time. He is dead now.

I loved the tasteful stripper flashcards they left on the sidewalk everywhere.

LOOK AT DAT BOOTAI

From Caesar’s we walked to the Bellagio to check out the indoor garden.

It was a magical autumn wonderland!

There were pumpkins

Gigantic pumpkins!

And fall colors

And a little lake and a little boat aww so cute I WANNA EAT IT UP

And a cute wooden bridge!!

Where the hell are we...

And an old mill

But seriously am I high right now? WHERE AM I

And this really freaky animatronic willow tree that talked stuff at you.

Lookin' so peaceful and wise

And then it would look directly at you...

GAAAHHHHHH WHAT THE HELL

And then this woodland Pan’s Labyrinth creature wanted to steal my soul and I said, “No! I say no, sir! Buy me a drink first, at least.”

His balls are pumpkins apparently. 

Then Allie gave me a look.

And Michelle was compelled to take selfies. Sigh.

There were beautiful glass sculptures on the ceiling that looked like candy and I wanted to lick them.

mmmm delicious shards of glass

AND THEN!! AND THEN GUYS, OH MY GOD. GUYS. THERE WERE DUCKS. THERE WERE DUCKS SWIMMING!!!

From there we took a plane to Paris!

teehee just kiddinggg guyysss IM JUST KIDDING

And Michelle decided to try to photobomb every picture I took.

She looks enchanting

And then Allie decided to try to photobomb every picture I took.

Such a princess

I got the feeling the signs in the casino weren’t really in French…

I CAN'T READ FRENCH WHAT DOES IT SAY!?

THEN WE FOUND MORE STRIPPER FLASHCARDS AND DECIDED TO KEEP THEM.

Go fish...

So we walked down the street and past some hell fire,

Michelle is terrified.

AND FOUND OURSELVES BACK IN NEW YORK. GAAAHH.

HOW DID THAT HAPPEN

Although something seemed a little off…

The NINE train??? What!?

And some street signs seemed a little different from what I remember.

Where the hell is there a West street?

For late lunch/dinner we stopped at Gonzalez y Gonzalez for some Sangria

Hi, I'd like some booze with a side of booze please?

And I got a carnitas sandwich with sweet potato fries.

Sweet potato FRIEESSS

AND MICHELLE GOT A GIGANTIC BURRITO.

That burrito is half the size of her body

Guys!! Guys!! THEN SHE ATE THE WHOLE THING. FOR REAL!! SHE’S A CHAMP! Then Allie took my phone and I got really angry at her and killed her. She’s dead.

No but really

In New York they had this awesome looking roller coaster so we decided to try it! Allie wanted to sit it out AND WON EIGHTY DOLLARS AT THE SLOT MACHINES WHAT THE HELL!!!

The coaster was AWESOME. You flew through the "streets" of New York along the buildings. Very cool.

From there we went back to the hotel, said goodbye to Michelle’s friends, and changed into nicer outfits to celebrate Michelle’s birthday at midnight!

Love dat mirror pic

We look so good.

And classy.

Then we went back to Caesar’s Palace to meet up with Allie’s friends who took us to the Seahorse bar in the casino. Michelle and Allie got champagne and cloves.

Some sultry bitches

And we toasted to the birthday girl!

Not... a great picture

THEN MICHELLE AND I SPLIT A VANILLA FLAVORED CIGAR.

She so sexyyy

AND ME SO SEXY TOO KINDA SHADDAP.

Popeye?

Then we had a few more thousand drinks, passed by a used condom that was delicately placed on a statue,

Finger condoms?

And on our way back to the hotel we took a picture and had a great conversation with a male stripper named Tony? Andre? Alfredo?

He kinda looked like Skeletor.

Then we took a cab back to the hotel, harassed a few people and store clerks, and fell asleep soundly somewhere. I think we got back around 6 am? OOF.