Birthday and Last Day in Vegas

Today was our last full day in Vegas! Waaaahhh. It was also my birthday! YAAAAYYYY. So you know we had to make sure we crammed in as much crap as possible. Unfortunately, we all somehow woke up an hour or two past the intended time, so we had to make a mad dash to get ready and explore! Today we decided we would visit Old Vegas.

In the cab ride, I spotted both Allie AND Michelle reading my blog. Product placemennnttttt. READ MY BLOG YOU FOOLS.

We were going to take a bus, but because of time and the minimal difference in cab fare we chose to just take a car. The ride was pretty simple and straightforward. Once we arrived we automatically recognized the iconic signs so closely associated with this city.

This would probably look better at night.

Plus some signs I didn’t really recognize…

Oh, god. Ew. Ugh. 

Although with this one I had no choice but to agree unconditionally…

Yes, ma'am!

We found a kitschy Native American gift shop, and ventured inside.

Allie was a little nervous. She hates kitsch.

But Michelle found a bear hat thing!

Twins?

And I found a sexy cowboy hat.

The hat was sexy. The guy wearing it... NOTSOMACH

Then Michelle’s bear hat thing tried to attack my cowboy hat!!

The nerve!

We bought a couple souvenirs there, which was good FOR ALL THOSE FREAKS AT HOME THAT NEED GIFTS AND CRAP. GAH. As we walked down Fremont Street, we discovered the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Company, which had incredible caramel apples. Well… not just caramel apples, but apples covered in chocolate, M&Ms, peanut butter, cheesecake stuff, oreos… a whole array of different confections.

They also had a bear on a chair with which Michelle felt compelled to flirt.

I decided to get something small, an Irish Cream Truffle and a Champagne Truffle. Yum.

Mmm blurry truffles in a white bag.

The entire street at Fremont is, I guess, indoors. A while back they built a huge roof over the street, making it a kind of gambling mall paradise.

I NEED MORE ROOF.

At the end of it was the Plaza Hotel and Casino, one of the oldest and most famous establishments in Las Vegas.

I actually had never heard of it before. Whoopsie.

The restaurant in front had my kind of sign...

Describes my life perfectly.

Seeing the restaurant, we realized we needed to eat something. So we walked a few blocks away and got caught in a sandstorm…

Don’t worry. DON’T WORRY. I SAID STOP WORRYING. We got through it. We survived. And found this great steakhouse/micro brewery in a nearby casino.

777 I think it was called.

Then Allie balanced her cell phone on her chest.

Now THAT'S what I call TALENT

Shit there was CHEAP. And gooood. Well… some stuff was good. Their beers could use a little work. I got the Hefeweizen and a Lager. They were both a little disappointing. For an appetizer we shared potato chips smothered in cheese and bacon.

Good. GOD.

I got a small cup of the tortilla soup, which was AMAZING.

Comfort food on my spoon and my face AND IN MY PANTS AND ALL OVER PLEASE THANKS

The waitress dropped a package of saltines and Allie and I got SO. SAD. They just looked… so lonely and depressed on the floor like that.

We were lazy though so we left them there for the entire meal. BAHA.

And for my entrée? AN ENTIRE RACK OF RIBS.

It was time to redeem myself from the disaster earlier in the week.

And I worked it…

Such messy goodness

And worked it like a lady…

I'm sure none of you are surprised.

Until every. Single. Bone. Had been scraped. Clean. Heh heh…

A massacre took place on these grounds...

When we got the bill the top looked like this:

Is she calling me a ho? Or is that some... kind of... code word?

We left the restaurant and on the way back to Fremont we passed by the original train station

That exhibited the train Annie Oakley and FDR actually used. To get it onnnn. That's how we got Miley Cyrus! Right?

We went through the Plaza Hotel and discovered THIS!!

A video game where you can gamble?? MY DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE.

That’s right, a Star Wars slot machine!!

I didn't win anything. I lost a lot though! Woo!

So we returned to Fremont Street and found a couple girlies groovin’ to a ditty

And I could fully take in how unique it was that they covered this entire area with a roof that was also a kind of movie screen.

It's much cooler at night.

They also had free concerts, exemplified by this muchacho:

And as Allie and Michelle shared a lesbian moment to light their cloves,

Are they in love? Awkward.

We found an even greater treasure. AN ORIGINAL ROCK GROUPIE. UGH. You could TASTE the cocaine residue on her!

Then Michelle got a cheesecake flavored caramel apple,

She really ate it like that. Licked it. For hours. It was the strangest thing in the world.

And then the ENTIRE STREET turned into a light show concert!!

Then they played Bon Jovi. Heh heh.

After the show we went back to where our cab had dropped us off,

Yeah a lot prettier at night...

hailed another one, and went back to the strip. We were planning to get back in time to see the Treasure Island show, but alas, it was too windy so both that and the volcano show was canceled. That was very disappointing. BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, WE SAW DUCKS!!! WE SAW OUR DUCK FRIENDS!! AND THEY WERE SO GREAT AND CUTE AND LOOKED AT US!!

We also tried to convince everyone around us to look and bask in their magnificence.

Then I used the free $5 Caesar’s Club voucher to test my luck on some slots!

I did not fare well. BUT then I tried the black jack slots and won a dollar!

Then I went to get a drink and got a new pimp cup! It was a green skull that could fit LOTS OF BOOOZE. Unfortunately, Michelle and Allie took my camera while I was in the restroom and decided to take a bunch of weird pictures with it. Like this one:

Ugh. The wink.

And this one:

Hello, new old friend.

Can’t forget this one.

Chewbacca wears shirts nowadays apparently...

Or this one. Poor lady.

Oh oops that's a man, isn't it?

So after they were through with their rampage and I got my camera back, we went back to the hotel to rest up for tomorrow. We have a whole day of traveling in store. This was truly an incredible week. Las Vegas is an overwhelming city, but it isn't without its charm. The people are friendly, the food is great, the drinks are endless, and it’s honestly just a whole lot of fun. You do have to pay attention to your wallet though. Whether people are trying to scam you, or you end up scamming yourself, it is best to set yourself a spending limit and STICK TO IT. It IS possible to visit and explore Las Vegas without breaking the bank, but you have to be very conscientious. In addition, it doesn't hurt to have a couple great pals by your side. This trip would not have been as fun and exhilarating without my buddies, Michelle and Allie. I count myself lucky to have had such a great experience with such great people. Now, enough of this sappy bullshit, you goddamn freaks. OFF TO NY FOR MORE ADVENTURES!! Stay tuned!

* * * *

We made it back to NY by the way, a little bit tanner, and I’m definitely a little bit fatter. Fuck. 

Last Day of My Quarter Life Crisis

Gotta start this day off right, right? And by right I mean DRUNK. We got our usual breakfast, hung out by the pool, then set off to the strip to get some discounted tickets for a show. On the way, I PAID HOMAGE TO THE OPEN CONTAINER LAWS.

Or lack thereof.

Then we got the tickets! Hah! We were able to buy discounted tickets for THUNDER FROM DOWN UNDER. It’s the #1 male revue in Las Vegas apparently. Michelle and Allie were very excited. Then we ventured off to Excalibur to pick up the tickets from the box office so we didn’t have to do it later.

Like a crappy 90's Cinderella castle

Once we picked up the tickets, we ventured onto a tram that we THOUGHT would take us to Luxor.

Lol Allie's got a lot of problems

Apparently, WE WERE WRONG. It took us past Luxor and over to Mandalay Bay instead.

We were too lazy to transfer so we just walked around Mandalay Bay. GOOD THING WE DID CUZ WE FOUND THIS BEAUTY:

Titties, asses, and one foot. I love Las Vegas.

I think the theme of the casino was colonial Caribbean? Not entirely sure though. The corridors were GIGANTIC I can tell ya that much.

I can tell yaaa that mUUChAsuh fksdjghasdgkjh;

Then we found the SHARK REEF!!!!!!! It’s the only predator based aquarium in North America apparently. It was eighteen dollars, which is bulldumps, but whatever WE ON VACATION AND IT’S ALMOST MY BIRTHDAY AND I LIKE AQUARIUMS. The design of the facility was surprisingly intricate and beautiful.

In a non-specific tropical ruins kind of way

I saw a Komodo Dragon for the first time!

So cute!

They of COURSE had lots of types of sharks,

This was sadly the best picture I got

And tropical fishies,

Taking pictures is HARDD.... ugh.

And several fish tank tunnel things!

Can this tank be filled with vodka please?

I saw GIGANTIC LIONFISH.

I named them Sporky and Lionel. 

They also had a tank of HUGE jellyfish in the middle of the room that kinda made it look like they were just floating in mid-air.

I hated it.

They had a sting ray petting exhibit and Allie tried to make me touch them. I DIDN’T WANT TO. SO I UNLEASHED…

Get it? Neptune's fury... get it? It's in the picture... I let the picture finish my sentence. I AM BRILLIANT.

Suddenly we went into the next exhibit and we found ourselves in a partially sunken pirate ship.

IMA B JACK SPARROW

It opened up into a massive shark tank with a variety of animals.

DEN DA SHARKS STARTED EATING PEOPLE

I gotta say, I loved this part of the aquarium. It was breathtaking and unlike any other aquarium I’ve ever been to. I highly recommend it. So once we left we went on an expedition to find FOOD. We arrived at this awesome Irish pub called Ri Ra or something? Rah Ri? Rarirah? RackaRikmakasuckmykaka? Sumthin like dat.

I got a meatloaf burger that was topped with CHEESY MASHED POTATOES and ONION RINGS. Holy. Shit. On. My. Face. Guys.

Then Michelle stole my camera and took a picture of herself looking absolutely stunning.

*wink wink barf*

After dinner we rushed back to Excalibur to see this little show. No big deal.

Girl's Night Outback? More like Girls GO FUCKING CRAZY 

Let’s just say, it was inappropriate and extremely vulgar. ALSO HILARIOUS AND AWESOME. They flipped around some chicks, basically molested some old ladies, and showed a lot of butts, muscles, and peen. Can I just say, Michelle went absolutely INSANE. Like, insane. Allie, too a little bit. But Michelle was banging on the table, screaming her head off, clapping and roaring and clawing to the point she almost BROKE HER OWN HAND.  I’m not kidding. She. Almost. Broke. Her. OWN. Hand. The level of, I dunno, female energy, frenzy, and estrogen in that room… whoa, boy. Let’s just say I count myself lucky I got out of there alive. It was REALLY fun though! So after the show, it was almost my birthday, so we got jello shots and beer to celebrate!

The Jello tasted like... Jello.

I got a few more beers and we basically just walked around all the different casinos. Once we got to Caesar’s, I can’t even remember how we came up with this, but we made up this game where we would go up to some innocent, lonely, confused tourists and ask them to take our picture. Our poses, however, may be a little different from what they expected.

Or exactly what they expected

The guy who took the above picture, who was only trying to get us to come to his strip club, was, ahem, overwhelmed by our beauty. And by overwhelmed I mean terrified. Our first victim.

The above picture was taken by some Asian guy. THEN HE TOOK TWO BAHAHAHA JUST IN CASE THE FIRST ONE WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH. HAHAHAHAHAHAH

This is called the Eiffel Tower apparently

The next one was taken by this little European lady who was VERY uncomfortable. Once she took it she asked, “Do… do you want… the monument?” and we said, NOPE THANKS. YOU’RE GOOD.

Little hardcore action?

Then a group of girls were walking by and we pounced on them. Innocently asking that since it was my birthday we needed to get a few pictures. So they took this beauty,

Michelle is really good at "brown nosing"

AND THIS ONE. Right as we held up all pedestrian traffic. 

Wow she's really getting in there...

Then we decided we had terrorized Caesar’s enough, so we took a cab back to the Palms to terrorize people there. But once we arrived, we realized there was a Grateful Dead concert at the Palms and there were HUNDREDS OF HOMELESS WHITE HIPPIE PEOPLE WITH DREADLOCKS AND DOGS. Hundreds of them. So many. And they were all mean and angry looking. Needless to say, we got. The. Fuck. Out. Of there. We returned to our abode and fell asleep.