Last Day of My Quarter Life Crisis

Gotta start this day off right, right? And by right I mean DRUNK. We got our usual breakfast, hung out by the pool, then set off to the strip to get some discounted tickets for a show. On the way, I PAID HOMAGE TO THE OPEN CONTAINER LAWS.

Or lack thereof.

Then we got the tickets! Hah! We were able to buy discounted tickets for THUNDER FROM DOWN UNDER. It’s the #1 male revue in Las Vegas apparently. Michelle and Allie were very excited. Then we ventured off to Excalibur to pick up the tickets from the box office so we didn’t have to do it later.

Like a crappy 90's Cinderella castle

Once we picked up the tickets, we ventured onto a tram that we THOUGHT would take us to Luxor.

Lol Allie's got a lot of problems

Apparently, WE WERE WRONG. It took us past Luxor and over to Mandalay Bay instead.

We were too lazy to transfer so we just walked around Mandalay Bay. GOOD THING WE DID CUZ WE FOUND THIS BEAUTY:

Titties, asses, and one foot. I love Las Vegas.

I think the theme of the casino was colonial Caribbean? Not entirely sure though. The corridors were GIGANTIC I can tell ya that much.

I can tell yaaa that mUUChAsuh fksdjghasdgkjh;

Then we found the SHARK REEF!!!!!!! It’s the only predator based aquarium in North America apparently. It was eighteen dollars, which is bulldumps, but whatever WE ON VACATION AND IT’S ALMOST MY BIRTHDAY AND I LIKE AQUARIUMS. The design of the facility was surprisingly intricate and beautiful.

In a non-specific tropical ruins kind of way

I saw a Komodo Dragon for the first time!

So cute!

They of COURSE had lots of types of sharks,

This was sadly the best picture I got

And tropical fishies,

Taking pictures is HARDD.... ugh.

And several fish tank tunnel things!

Can this tank be filled with vodka please?

I saw GIGANTIC LIONFISH.

I named them Sporky and Lionel. 

They also had a tank of HUGE jellyfish in the middle of the room that kinda made it look like they were just floating in mid-air.

I hated it.

They had a sting ray petting exhibit and Allie tried to make me touch them. I DIDN’T WANT TO. SO I UNLEASHED…

Get it? Neptune's fury... get it? It's in the picture... I let the picture finish my sentence. I AM BRILLIANT.

Suddenly we went into the next exhibit and we found ourselves in a partially sunken pirate ship.

IMA B JACK SPARROW

It opened up into a massive shark tank with a variety of animals.

DEN DA SHARKS STARTED EATING PEOPLE

I gotta say, I loved this part of the aquarium. It was breathtaking and unlike any other aquarium I’ve ever been to. I highly recommend it. So once we left we went on an expedition to find FOOD. We arrived at this awesome Irish pub called Ri Ra or something? Rah Ri? Rarirah? RackaRikmakasuckmykaka? Sumthin like dat.

I got a meatloaf burger that was topped with CHEESY MASHED POTATOES and ONION RINGS. Holy. Shit. On. My. Face. Guys.

Then Michelle stole my camera and took a picture of herself looking absolutely stunning.

*wink wink barf*

After dinner we rushed back to Excalibur to see this little show. No big deal.

Girl's Night Outback? More like Girls GO FUCKING CRAZY 

Let’s just say, it was inappropriate and extremely vulgar. ALSO HILARIOUS AND AWESOME. They flipped around some chicks, basically molested some old ladies, and showed a lot of butts, muscles, and peen. Can I just say, Michelle went absolutely INSANE. Like, insane. Allie, too a little bit. But Michelle was banging on the table, screaming her head off, clapping and roaring and clawing to the point she almost BROKE HER OWN HAND.  I’m not kidding. She. Almost. Broke. Her. OWN. Hand. The level of, I dunno, female energy, frenzy, and estrogen in that room… whoa, boy. Let’s just say I count myself lucky I got out of there alive. It was REALLY fun though! So after the show, it was almost my birthday, so we got jello shots and beer to celebrate!

The Jello tasted like... Jello.

I got a few more beers and we basically just walked around all the different casinos. Once we got to Caesar’s, I can’t even remember how we came up with this, but we made up this game where we would go up to some innocent, lonely, confused tourists and ask them to take our picture. Our poses, however, may be a little different from what they expected.

Or exactly what they expected

The guy who took the above picture, who was only trying to get us to come to his strip club, was, ahem, overwhelmed by our beauty. And by overwhelmed I mean terrified. Our first victim.

The above picture was taken by some Asian guy. THEN HE TOOK TWO BAHAHAHA JUST IN CASE THE FIRST ONE WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH. HAHAHAHAHAHAH

This is called the Eiffel Tower apparently

The next one was taken by this little European lady who was VERY uncomfortable. Once she took it she asked, “Do… do you want… the monument?” and we said, NOPE THANKS. YOU’RE GOOD.

Little hardcore action?

Then a group of girls were walking by and we pounced on them. Innocently asking that since it was my birthday we needed to get a few pictures. So they took this beauty,

Michelle is really good at "brown nosing"

AND THIS ONE. Right as we held up all pedestrian traffic. 

Wow she's really getting in there...

Then we decided we had terrorized Caesar’s enough, so we took a cab back to the Palms to terrorize people there. But once we arrived, we realized there was a Grateful Dead concert at the Palms and there were HUNDREDS OF HOMELESS WHITE HIPPIE PEOPLE WITH DREADLOCKS AND DOGS. Hundreds of them. So many. And they were all mean and angry looking. Needless to say, we got. The. Fuck. Out. Of there. We returned to our abode and fell asleep.