Last Day of My Quarter Life Crisis

Gotta start this day off right, right? And by right I mean DRUNK. We got our usual breakfast, hung out by the pool, then set off to the strip to get some discounted tickets for a show. On the way, I PAID HOMAGE TO THE OPEN CONTAINER LAWS.

Or lack thereof.

Then we got the tickets! Hah! We were able to buy discounted tickets for THUNDER FROM DOWN UNDER. It’s the #1 male revue in Las Vegas apparently. Michelle and Allie were very excited. Then we ventured off to Excalibur to pick up the tickets from the box office so we didn’t have to do it later.

Like a crappy 90's Cinderella castle

Once we picked up the tickets, we ventured onto a tram that we THOUGHT would take us to Luxor.

Lol Allie's got a lot of problems

Apparently, WE WERE WRONG. It took us past Luxor and over to Mandalay Bay instead.

We were too lazy to transfer so we just walked around Mandalay Bay. GOOD THING WE DID CUZ WE FOUND THIS BEAUTY:

Titties, asses, and one foot. I love Las Vegas.

I think the theme of the casino was colonial Caribbean? Not entirely sure though. The corridors were GIGANTIC I can tell ya that much.

I can tell yaaa that mUUChAsuh fksdjghasdgkjh;

Then we found the SHARK REEF!!!!!!! It’s the only predator based aquarium in North America apparently. It was eighteen dollars, which is bulldumps, but whatever WE ON VACATION AND IT’S ALMOST MY BIRTHDAY AND I LIKE AQUARIUMS. The design of the facility was surprisingly intricate and beautiful.

In a non-specific tropical ruins kind of way

I saw a Komodo Dragon for the first time!

So cute!

They of COURSE had lots of types of sharks,

This was sadly the best picture I got

And tropical fishies,

Taking pictures is HARDD.... ugh.

And several fish tank tunnel things!

Can this tank be filled with vodka please?

I saw GIGANTIC LIONFISH.

I named them Sporky and Lionel. 

They also had a tank of HUGE jellyfish in the middle of the room that kinda made it look like they were just floating in mid-air.

I hated it.

They had a sting ray petting exhibit and Allie tried to make me touch them. I DIDN’T WANT TO. SO I UNLEASHED…

Get it? Neptune's fury... get it? It's in the picture... I let the picture finish my sentence. I AM BRILLIANT.

Suddenly we went into the next exhibit and we found ourselves in a partially sunken pirate ship.

IMA B JACK SPARROW

It opened up into a massive shark tank with a variety of animals.

DEN DA SHARKS STARTED EATING PEOPLE

I gotta say, I loved this part of the aquarium. It was breathtaking and unlike any other aquarium I’ve ever been to. I highly recommend it. So once we left we went on an expedition to find FOOD. We arrived at this awesome Irish pub called Ri Ra or something? Rah Ri? Rarirah? RackaRikmakasuckmykaka? Sumthin like dat.

I got a meatloaf burger that was topped with CHEESY MASHED POTATOES and ONION RINGS. Holy. Shit. On. My. Face. Guys.

Then Michelle stole my camera and took a picture of herself looking absolutely stunning.

*wink wink barf*

After dinner we rushed back to Excalibur to see this little show. No big deal.

Girl's Night Outback? More like Girls GO FUCKING CRAZY 

Let’s just say, it was inappropriate and extremely vulgar. ALSO HILARIOUS AND AWESOME. They flipped around some chicks, basically molested some old ladies, and showed a lot of butts, muscles, and peen. Can I just say, Michelle went absolutely INSANE. Like, insane. Allie, too a little bit. But Michelle was banging on the table, screaming her head off, clapping and roaring and clawing to the point she almost BROKE HER OWN HAND.  I’m not kidding. She. Almost. Broke. Her. OWN. Hand. The level of, I dunno, female energy, frenzy, and estrogen in that room… whoa, boy. Let’s just say I count myself lucky I got out of there alive. It was REALLY fun though! So after the show, it was almost my birthday, so we got jello shots and beer to celebrate!

The Jello tasted like... Jello.

I got a few more beers and we basically just walked around all the different casinos. Once we got to Caesar’s, I can’t even remember how we came up with this, but we made up this game where we would go up to some innocent, lonely, confused tourists and ask them to take our picture. Our poses, however, may be a little different from what they expected.

Or exactly what they expected

The guy who took the above picture, who was only trying to get us to come to his strip club, was, ahem, overwhelmed by our beauty. And by overwhelmed I mean terrified. Our first victim.

The above picture was taken by some Asian guy. THEN HE TOOK TWO BAHAHAHA JUST IN CASE THE FIRST ONE WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH. HAHAHAHAHAHAH

This is called the Eiffel Tower apparently

The next one was taken by this little European lady who was VERY uncomfortable. Once she took it she asked, “Do… do you want… the monument?” and we said, NOPE THANKS. YOU’RE GOOD.

Little hardcore action?

Then a group of girls were walking by and we pounced on them. Innocently asking that since it was my birthday we needed to get a few pictures. So they took this beauty,

Michelle is really good at "brown nosing"

AND THIS ONE. Right as we held up all pedestrian traffic. 

Wow she's really getting in there...

Then we decided we had terrorized Caesar’s enough, so we took a cab back to the Palms to terrorize people there. But once we arrived, we realized there was a Grateful Dead concert at the Palms and there were HUNDREDS OF HOMELESS WHITE HIPPIE PEOPLE WITH DREADLOCKS AND DOGS. Hundreds of them. So many. And they were all mean and angry looking. Needless to say, we got. The. Fuck. Out. Of there. We returned to our abode and fell asleep. 

International Sake Day and Nite Tours

Today we all woke up together like a happy little family and had a big free buffet breakfast. I didn’t take a picture this time cuz I pretty much get the same thing every morning AND HOW MANY PICTURES OF EGGS AND PANCAKES DO YOU FREAKIN PEOPLE NEED, MY GOD!!! After breakfast we decided to have a leisurely day again and hang out by the pool.

Mmmm old bald creepy men in banana hammocks. WHAT. A. VIEW.

I did my best to tan my pasty white body,

OH GOD!! I'M WHITE!!! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME!!???

But I think we all know it would take seven suns to get me to tan. On the plus side though, I DIDN’T BURN!!

Dismembered hand coming out of the back of my skull. Sexypants.

After the pool, we all showered, and hopped on the shuttle to the Strip. We wanted to check out the Gondola ride at the Venetian and possibly see the pirate show at Treasure Island.

Guys, I love this tower thing. I love it. Just wanna CHOP IT UP INTO LITTLE PIECES AND DEVOUR EVERYONE INSIDE IT. OM NOM NOM

The Gondolas looked SO CUTE!!

Like little nautical Teddy Bears of love!

And then there was a little man that would sing for you!

TOO BAD I HATE SINGING AND MUSIC.

Unfortunately, the indoor part of the ride was closed for repairs, so only the outdoor part was available. And it was twenty bucks. To ride on a boat in circles in a pool for ten minutes….THANKSNOTHANKS. So we walked by Treasure Island, saw that the shows were only at night,

I need some pirates!!! ...Butt pirates...

Passed by some random waterfalls,

This desert is surprisingly lush...

And ended up at the Fashion Show Mall. After such a busy and stressful day, we decided to stop at RA Sushi for a bite. Coincidentally, it was International Sake Day!

I wish every day could be some-kind-of-liquor day!

Which apparently means $1 Sake and $5 Sake flights. Not. Too. Shabby.

Can I drink the wooden platter thing too?

For an appetizer I ordered deep fried rice balls topped with lobster and a spicy sauce

A cross between Onigiri and Italian rice balls. mmm

And for the main dish I got teriyaki udon noodles. DeRIsH!

Sweet, sweet racism.

Moosh-face got yakisoba but couldn’t finish it so she had to take hers to go. Which was actually a great idea. Nothing like noodles to come home to after a night of drinking AMIRIGHT!?

She can lift giant over-sized bowls LIKE A CHAMPION

FOR DESSERT, YOU ASK??? ICE CREAM MOCHI!!!!!! AAAUUUGHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! HOLY FUCK YES!!!

I'm pretty sure they were the same ones you can get from Trader Joe's. LOLZIES

Then we accosted the waitress and made her take a photo of us being cute and DRUNK. Srsly that sake was strong. Real strong.

As strong as a bull in a pickle jar topped with maple syrup! Is that an expression? IT IS NOW. 

After dinner we rushed back to the hotel to get ready for the Nite Tours VIP Party Passes we got included in our booking package.

Clearly we need a lot of work.

Then I took a mirror shot of the power of three.

I am obsessed with these mirror shots. I LOVE EM. 

UMMM SOOOOOO the “VIP” Party thing was ACTUALLY kinda lame. We met at a lounge IN OUR HOTEL that we could’ve gotten into for free ANYWAY and the club we went to WAS ABOVE THAT. I guess it was nice we didn’t have to take a cab?

This used to be the Playboy Club! Back when it was somewhat relevant.

It was also a very slow night, so in the lounge Allie, Michelle, and I got some really strong hookah.

Wisps of dignity and class escaping from my lips... whoa. poetic. sorry. I apologize profusely.

We became such classy broads that we had to take pictures of each of us smoking it.

Looks like her soul is like, PEACE OWT BITCH. AND THOSE TITS! OMIGOSH

This is something we could’ve NEVER done in New York! Teeheehee #badgurlsVegas

Helloooo, purple Morticia Adams!

Then Michelle smoked so much she turned black and white.

It was kinda freaky. Pleasantville, anyone?

After we got significantly light headed and our mouths tasted like smoke and blue Gatorade, we headed upstairs to the Moon Nightclub. The views were spectacular.

Being lightheaded when you're fifty stories up is AWESOME and also terrifying.

They had lady dancers which was cool!

MY DREAM JOB.

And I got a little over excited.

I look like someone stepped on my face.

Then we got bored and took photos of ourselves with the Vegas skyline.

I look very light headed here, no? c'es moi? Je neu se plaus missiour petit feet?

They turned out pretty well I think.

white teeth and tits. That's all we are.

All in all, it was a fun night, but mostly because I’m with some pretty freakin’ amazingly awesome and fun people. The VIP tour thing was a total rip off, they didn't seem to have known we were coming, the DJ at the club was the WORST, and the clientele seemed to be made up of mostly creepy Euro trash. Oh, also the bartender tried to rip me off by giving me some random tab. But me two smart for the him, no? One of the guys took a light-up foam stick thing and stuck it in my face. I slapped him and told him to offer me a drink first before he sticks glow-in-the-dark phallic objects at me. After that, we went downstairs, got a late night pizza, and passed out somewhere. I don't remember where, though. Oh, and then Allie and Michelle emailed me the pictures they took, and this was my inbox:

Oddly enough, they did not coordinate their email titles. Just coincidence. Gross.

Pop, Drop, and Shop

GOOD MORNING LAS VEGAS. Michelle and I woke up early this morning to enjoy our free breakfast. I felt a lot better SO I PILED ON THE FREE BUFFET.

GOTTA FILL UP. IMA GROWIN' BOY.

 After breakfast we lounged around the hotel and pool, and then set off to the strip for some shopping! Our first stop was the Forum Shops at Caesar’s Palace. I definitely needed dress shoes because tomorrow night we’re going to a couple lounges and clubs. The Forum Shops was actually really cool. It mimicked walking through the streets of Rome.

I love fake skies. 

There were fountains here and there.

I... I can swim in this one? Please?

I especially liked the fountain with the fat drunk guy.

That's gonna be me in a few years. Days.

The main entrance to the Forum Shops was breathtaking. Gigantic lady statues holding up stuff. Wowie.

Who knew the female body could support a structure so efficiently?

There was also a spiral escalator there,

So curvy. Weeee. 

And clearly Allie, Michelle, and I are not mature enough to ride it.

We stopped in an H&M where it looked like all the mannequins were trying to escape by jumping from the balconies. Evidently life is hard for a mannequin at H&M.

They also didn't have any shoes in my size. Blegh. 

From the Forum Shops we stopped at the Miracle Mile. It seemed like a regular mall at first, and I was able to find adequate dress shoes, but then it opened up suddenly to an Arabian village? Or something?

...Bethlehem?

What else would one do in an Arabian village but EAT MEXICAN FOOD.

Who knew Aladdin loved tacos so much?

MMM GIANT BURRITO

The size of a baby but presumably it tastes better.

After the food Allie fell into a food coma and fell asleep on me.

Like a little angel... OF HORROR

We made our way back to the hotel, Allie and Michelle smoked a couple cloves while walking around the casino,

She looks sexy. And a little confused. Mostly confused. 

And then we went back to the room and settled in to watch a movie. 

Today was tough.

Unfortunately, the internet here is really slow. I assume their media is based on whatever their internet service is so it was annoyingly choppy. Instead we just watched tv and fell asleep. ON TO TOMORROW!!!