Gettin' in to be one o' da Swamp People, and OH I TURNED 27, Dagnabbit!

GET 'ER DONE.

Zoe, Nicole, Kyle, Bobby, and I woke up at the ass crack of ass cracks of dawn so we could take the early tour of the Swamp! In an exhausted and disorganized frenzy, we were all somehow able to get up, out, and into a cab that took us to the starting point. We even got there early! But then Zoe forgot her ID and her credit card, which, you know, TYPICAL ZOE. But it was all good. The tour bus picked us up (barely, since SOMEONE decided to get coffee RIGHT AT THE PICK UP TIME) and we were on our way to the Bayou!

Frozen Iced Coffee from the Cafe Du Monde and a Frozen Iced Heart from Nicole.

The ride was about a half hour... or an hour... or two hours I actually don't even remember I was so tired I wanted to pass out. BUT WE ARRIVED AT THE BAYOU. And Kyle and Zoe HAD TO CELEBRATE!

By embarrassing us.

After we confirmed our reservation, we were soon led to the dock, where we boarded a small swamp boat. We paid a little extra for the smaller one, because we had heard that it provides a more intimate setting. BOY, WERE THEY RIGHT. Our tour guide asked us what we wanted to see. Some people said alligators, and some people said wild pigs. I, on the other hand, asked him if we could see some kind of mutant alligator/wild pig monstrosity. I made it clear that if we didn't see this, I would be extremely disappointed. Temper tantrums were not beyond my capabilities.

I made him nervous so we hastily cast off.

Here you can see the larger boat. It's still small, but ours is more maneuverable so it can easily access parts of the swamp the larger boat cannot.

Nothing spells fun like making those people who chose the larger boat feel terrible about themselves.

Along the river we could see several houses and a scramp fishing boat!

GOTTA GET DEM SCRAMPS

We also saw a summer time river shack house. This particular river used to be littered with houses like these, where people from all over would camp out, drink beer, and fish all day. Unfortunately, because of Hurricane Katrina, this was the only house left.

And it sure is a thing that people can... be... in...

Once we traveled a little further down the river, the guide sped up the boat and it felt like we were flying, just skimming the water!

When we stopped, it felt like we were nowhere. But soon enough, we discovered our boat, and some of the others, were SURROUNDED by alligators.

It got to the point where any ripple in the water was most likely another gator. AND THEN ONE WAS RIGHT THERE BY MY FOOT.

Seeing these animals in their natural habitat as opposed to a zoo was extraordinary. Out here, you could really observe the sheer power these creatures held. It's no wonder they've been around for millions of years. Everything from their tails to their jaws have been streamlined for survival.

I was surprised one didn't leap out and drag either me or Zoe under the water. I mean, we're pretty freakin' delicious.

Once the Alligator feasting time had subsided, we traveled further down the river. We passed several ruined and abandoned structures, such as this old oil drilling platform.

Looks better than some NYC apartments.

Then we sailed under this bridge. For perspective, when Katrina hit, the waters in this area rose to the top of the structure. Everything around us had been submerged.

Now THAT'S terrifying.

But then on a lighter note, we found these raccoons who were addicted to marshmallows.

LOOK AT THE LITTLE ONE TRYING TO GRAB THE MARSHMALLOW WITHOUT GETTING EATEN BY A GATOR AWWWWW!!!!

Suddenly, we took a sharp right and officially entered the swamp! I have to post this video, because as the tour guide was talking, Nicole had the most AMAZING responses to every statement he made. It just made me giggle ever so.

I realized why the smaller boat was more expensive. You actually had trees and branches slapping you in the face, you were THAT close to the swamp. I loved it. I had always imagined that the bayou would be dirty, sweltering, and filled with bugs. But as it turns out, it was clean, fresh, and tranquil. If someone put Swamp Scent into a febreze, I WOULD BUY IT.

Then we left this one area of the swamp and saw some baby alligators just chilling! Contemplating how they were going to devour each one of us...

I mean, I know I would. I still don't think I can get over how unexpectedly beautiful this area was.

Makes me wish a T-Rex would just pop by and eat the tourists in that boat. Right?

The height of the trees, not to mention the species, were something I'd never find anywhere near New York.

Or anywhere else in the world.

We sailed past this old tree which was dying, and was apparently very famous. It has been in various movies and TV shows. Even a wedding ceremony has been performed underneath it.

Now that's what I call romance.

The water was so still, it made me thankful it wasn't the north Atlantic on April 14th, 1912...

It's also daylight and there aren't any icebergs nearby so I'm... I've... I've just had a lot of wine.

BUT THEN WE FOUND OUT THE SWAMP WAS ON THE VERGE OF AN ECOLOGICAL DISASTER!!! Some idiot introduced these Japanese water leaves or something into a bunch of gardens in the area and now they've reproduced LIKE CRAZY. Our guide said that within a few years the entire swamp would be covered with THIS:

Looks sorta pretty but they take all the oxygen out of the water and kill the fish and then the other stuff and then everyone DIES.

AND EVEN WORSE, SOMEONE INTRODUCED THIS FOOL INTO THE SWAMP.

This idiot might be more dangerous than any water plant...

But then to assuage our anxiety, our guide brought us to some piggies!

Thankfully, an alligator didn't come up and snatch one of the pigs and eat it before our eyes. So our guide returned us to the dock, and we went on our merry way back to the French Quarter. Right as we got off, Molly's was right there, which was a bar famous for its Frozen Irish Coffee.

Yeah with some coffee grounds on top. Yeah. YYEAAHHH.

And Nicole just loved sucking it down. SHE JUST SUCKED IT ALLLLLL DOOOWWWNN.

Get a room.

Then I saw the bartender making what looked to be an AMAZING Bloody Mary, so I downed my drink and asked for one.

And I could take it to go! It was very different from Bloody Mary's in the Northeast. Spicier and with a tang! 

Right across the street from the bar was the French Market. Another place several locals have told us to visit.

THEY HAVE A PUMPKIN AS THEIR FRONT DOOR. YES.

When we walked in we saw an endless line of food and drink shops.

Everything looked soooo gooood...

We walked by a hot sauce counter, which had a vast array of different sauces and spices. Little Zoe, poor little naive and nubile Zoe, just HAAAD TO TRY ONE.

She had made a huge mistake. The sauce was very, VERY, spicy. She started crying and desperately needed water. THEN SHE EVEN SOMEHOW GOT IT IN HER EAR. Ugh. But all this food and watching Zoe destroy herself made us all a bit peckish. Nathan joined us, and he directed us to Johnny's, famous for its New Orleans style Po' Boy sandwiches!

I GOT MINE WITH DEEP FRIED SCRAMPS

Guys. They were so good. So. GOOD. SO GOOD. Then right next door to the Po' Boys there was this store that specialized in spices and FLAVORED SALTS WHAAT.

They had vanilla salt, lime salt, jalapeno salt, black truffle salt, EVEN CHOCOLATE SALT.

After all the spice and salt buying, I was starting to lose my buzz. SO I NEEDED A DRANK. I chose a Green Tea Alligator... or something like that. I dunno.

Tasted like Passion Fruit and Wastey!

Then Bobby, (of course, Bobby) found a Pirate themed bar! WHERE EVERYONE DRESSED AS PIRATES.

AND THEY HAD ABSINTHE.

It was partially outdoors, so you could peer in and see not only the staff dressed as pirates, but also the clientele!

Even Kyle sorta looks like a pirate!

Then Nathan ordered an Absinthe. They prepared it the French way, of course, with a sugar cube and ice water. It was cool to see the sugar dissolve into the green Absinthe. It would turn it into a milky white cocktail.

Everyone looks fascinated and disgusted. But then they ALL ORDERED ONE.

The Absinthe was quickly followed by shots of... black stuff with a baby on it.

I'm pretty sure when asked what was in it, the bartender AND THE MENU said, DON'T ASK... SO WE ORDERED FIVE.

From there, we decided to spend the eve of my birthday, BY THE WAY THIS NIGHT I WOULD BE TURNING 27, at a bar called Barcadia in the Warehouse District. We decided to walk there. On the way, we stopped by a cigar shop, which was also a CIGAR FACTORY and you could see them MAKING cigars. It smelled terrible. Ugh.

But at least Zoe looked good that's all that matters, right?

Then we stopped by some other bar to get some Jello shots.

Some SEXY Jello Shots. Yikes. My friends are all so good looking. Ugh. I love it. Shut up.

From there we walked to Barcadia, which was a bar that had over fifty craft beers and old arcade-style video games. Every kind of game that you would have found at a Chuck-E-Cheese, or a Leapin' Lizard, or a Fraggle Friday's, or whatever, in the late nineties, was there. THEY EVEN HAD AN ARCADE STYLE MARIO KART. You guys. I don't think you understand. I rocked that. I. Rocked. That. So. Hard. THEN I TURNED 27!!! .... *barf*

After the arcade at the bar, we were all still up for some fun. So Nathan took us to a club where it was Eighties night!

Zoe and Nathan grinding up on each other... ONCE AGAIN.

So then I remember dancing... and then I remember the go-go dancers... and then I remember some guy showing up wearing a giant bunny head costume, and we all simultaneously thought, GOTTA GO. Which we did. Hahah, it was a great birthday!