NOLA Done Right: Steamboat Nacho, Purple Mansion, and Jello Shots

I IS BACK. SHUT UP. I LOVE YOU.

I got a half hour of sleep. You know that feeling when you're so tired you actually feel more awake? That's what I felt. I got my suitcase and somehow hailed a cab to the airport. Today was a big day. Today I was starting my birthday week in New Orleans with the indefatigable and severely fatigable Michelle. This year was going to be a little different, though. CUZ WE BROUGHT FRANDS (friends). Lots of them. Ten of us in total rented out a six bedroom house right outside the French Quarter. DIS WAS GON BE FUN. The flight was around three hours. We couldn't check in until 3 pm, so we had some time to kill. So two of our frands, Jessie and Duncan, rented one of those self-moving carriages and gave Michelle and I a ride to the French Quarter.

Mommy and Daddy givez us ride to skool ok so we learn spell?

After Jessie emitted several cat noises intermittently through the drive, we finally arrived in the French Quarter. We parked and set off to explore.

We received our first glimpse into this old and mysterious city.... sorta looks like Paris mixed with Detroit in this picture... I should have probably taken a better photo. EH. OH WELL.

We walked down Decatur and found Jackson Square. There's like, some really famous Cathedral there, or something?

Sorta looks like a Disney castle, doesn't it?

As we kept walking, I happened across the most DELIGHTFUL signs!!

OYSTERS!??! YESSS. Just kidding I was excited about the cocktails to go who am I kidding.

We had heard several weeks ago that there was a steamboat brunch tour located nearby, so we had made a reservation. Now, the hour to board the boat had arrived. We crossed Decatur and made our way to the Missisisiipppisiieiisiidi River. Along the way, we passed this adorable streetcar!

WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THIS WAS A MODE OF PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION HERE OMG I AM SO MAD AT YOU GUYS.

We got to the dock. Our reservation included a two hour open bar and a buffet. IT HAD ME AT INCLUDED...

Plus it was a real old-timey steamboat! That's worth something, right? Steamboat Nacho. Yes.

Once aboard, we were guided to the main dining room. It was packed, and a little intimidating at first. But once we found our table and walked around, we quickly figured out the best way to stuff our gullets.

It was basically to push all the old people down and elbow them in the face. As much unnecessary violence as possible.

Alas! Michelle and our other frand Texas had beaten me to the elbowing and pushing! I became envious of their imminent gullet-stuffing.

Texas mouthed "You're next", so I backed off.

The bar, upsettingly, had no line. Not upsetting for me, really, but I was upset that all these tourists around me were sober. I had never been more sad in my life than at that moment.

But then I found a bloody mary and immediately cheered up. It had a great blend of spice and KICK.

Once I elbowed and slapped my way through the crowd for food, I dumped pounds of tasty treats on my plate.

Gumbo, creamed spinach, smoked ham, sausage, and a frittata. Then some bread pudding for dessert. I'm gonna be. SO. SKINNY.

I ate too much and needed to walk it off. It was starting to rain outside, but we wanted to explore the ship. SO WE DID.

AND IT WAS GREAT. Beautiful day to get wet, don't you think?

We went down to the lower level and saw how close the water was to the deck.

Michelle shouted, "DAMN, THEY KEEP THEIR BOATS HERE LOW," as her hair enveloped her face from the wind.

On the lower deck we found the entrance to the engine room. Once inside we could see how the ship worked. 

Now, I'm no expert in ship design and engineering, but I'm pretty sure I'm not going to elaborate on how the ship propelled itself. I'm guessing it had something to do with steam. But that's just a hunch. A supposition. Mere conjecture. So after throwing our empty glasses into the engines, we made our way back to the main dining room to listen to some jazz. And we were not disappointed.

I mean, that's definitely some kind of sounds happening there, amiright? After all the traveling, boozing, and eating, we were starting to wind down. Texas especially. He fell asleep with his face on the table. I snapped a photo of him when he awoke.

Don't be shy, I just want you to open your eyes and have the first thing you see be me blinding you with my camera flash. Is that so wrong?

The tour was great. The food and drinks were delicious, and we got to see some of the surrounding areas of New Orleans. We disembarked, and made our way to our new home for the next week. Welcome to The Purple Mansion.

CUZ IT'S PURPLE GET IT

Now I'm going to take you on a little tour of the house:

I'm such a great tour guide. So the house was gigantic. I don't think the video was able to capture that. Going from one end of the house to the other you'd easily find yourself out of breath. Or maybe I should get more exercise. ANYWAY, it was so old and the ceilings and windows were so high it'd make your dumb fat head spin. It truly gave a distinctive southern feel. Texas also burned sage throughout the house JUST TO MAKE SURE there were no evil crazy spirit demon girls wanting to jump out and scare us and run away giggling. Michelle, for once that's not a reference to you. We unpacked, took a short nap, got ourselves together, and set out to find the infamous Bourbon Street. It was about a 20 minute walk, which for us New Yorkers, was not too far at all. Some areas were a little sketchy or creepy to walk through. I would not recommend making this walk alone. HEED MY WARNING, PEASANTS. So we get to Bourbon Street, and the first thing we had to have were the Grenades.

As Vanna White demonstrates her double-fisting abilities.

We walked along the street and were starting to feel hungry. We all agreed we wanted some authentic New Orleans style seafood. We happened on a place, Felix's, I believe, which was exactly what we were looking for.

YES. Deep fried crawfish, shrimp, oysters, soft shell crab, fish, and blackened alligator. (THE GATOR WAS AMAZING)

The meal was impressively cheap for how delicious the food was. It was perfect. From there we walked along Decatur, and I had a craving for a 2 for 1 $5 Jello shot. So I bought everyone one.

My love for booze won over my hatred for cherry flavored things. Also, I think they took the term "shot" a little too literally.

We continued along, sucked on our jello shots, until we reached Frenchman street. We had heard that this was where a lot of locals go, and we could see why. A two block area was packed with bars, clubs, and even an incredible outdoor arts and crafts market.

Local artisans AND LIGHT UP COUCHES. I'm in.

From there we all felt exhausted, and decided to head back home. Tomorrow would be another BIG (drunk) day!