The Globe-Trotting Travels of a Lovely Little Drunk: My Freaking Birthday on a Freaking River

So today I turned 25. A quarter century passed by in what seems like the blink of an eye. To mark this momentously depressing occasion, Michelle, Stephanie, and I booked a wine tasting and castle tour on the Rhine River. Sounds great, right? It was. EXCEPT WE HAD TO WAKE UP AT 5 AM!!

I call it, Windmills at Sunrise. It's not a photo I actually painted it. No really I did. Took me like two seconds.

So we got on the bus and our first stop was the Rhinestein Castle.

Dracula's bath house.

This 1,000 year old stone castle was definitely a bit smaller than what you would expect, but it came complete with a gate and draw bridge,

And a secret garden.

Not that secret, it was actually called the Burgundy Garden. SHUT UP.

It had incredible views of the river valley,

INCREDIBLE I TELL YA

As well as stunning towers,

HAI IMA INVADE YO CASTLE NOW THANKS

And balconies,

Oh, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou GET OFF MAH DRANK!!

And even a private chapel.

IMA GET MARRIED HERE SHUT UP

The interior included a Knight’s Hall,

Or as I like to call it, A Dining Room.

The Princess’ apartments,

Pretty princesses in pink.

the Prince’s apartments,

THIS CASTLE IS MAD SEXIST, DAMMIT.

And spectacular stain glass windows and other artifacts.

The knights had a tendency to walk around and kill the tourists so be careful..

And as we devoured a delightful breakfast of tea and apple cake,

The manliest breakfast I'VE EVER EATEN.

We sat back and enjoyed the views of this rock-hugging fortress.

Can I push you off?

After the castle tour we got back on the bus and were off to Stefan’s Wine Paradise. Here we had our FIRST ROUND of wine tasting. We had a variety of wines including his local Ice Wine,

As well as a peach, raspberry, and winter apple brandy.

And also a chocolate and mint chocolate brandy.

CREAMY CHOCOLATE KINDA LOOKS LIKE POO IT WAS DELICIOUS

AND I WAS ALMOST TEMPTED TO HAVE THIS.

But I reckon Stefan should buy me a drink first. Eh, oui? (That's French.)

So after the tasting we boarded the cruise ship to take the Rhine river tour. Admittedly, we were a little buzzed, so Michelle and I got the courage to take a picture with Stefan as a farewell.

Stefan, please stop trying to give me your magic creme... please?

So we boarded the ship,

I can still smell the fresh paint...

AND GOT SOME MORE BOOZE BLAUGHSDKGJHDGKJ.

BEST CRUISE EVER

One of the first sights was the Rock of the Lorelay, the birthplace of the following myth: As the story goes, there was a beautiful lady who lived in a cave on this mountain. As ships passed she would sing a beautiful song that would entrance passing sailors so that they became enraptured. SO enraptured in fact, they basically forgot they were sailing and would crash their vessels into the rocks. Oopsie poopsie! So one day a Prince wanted to marry the maiden, and set out with a bunch of soldiers to propose to her. She sang, he got distracted, and crashed the ship and everyone died. Surprise, surprise. The King was so enraged that he sent soldiers to arrest her and charge her for murder. As the soldiers climbed the mountain, she sang to her father, the Rhine, and a giant wave rose up. She jumped on it, and was carried away, never to be seen again. Basically, she was an alien.

Aliens are everywhere, apparently.

From the ship, we had amazing views of various villages and castles along the riverside.

So cute!

So breathtaking my corset was making me feel a little flushed.

Paint me like one of your French girls.

Here’s a castle.

AND HERE’s a castle.

Building in front was basically and river toll booth.

AND HERE’S A CASTLE.

AAANDDD HERE’S ANOTHER CASTLE.

AND I THINK THAT’S ANOTHER CASTLE.

IS THAT A PUMPKIN?? NO IT’S ANOTHER CASTLE!!!

Why would you think it's a pumpkin??

And one more. Whew. It’s done.

I think this was the castle where we were before.

Then we got sick of castles and took a picture of ourselves. BWAHAH.

We're wasted.

And then I saw a cute German building.

It's my house now.

So after the river tour we strolled through a nearby village,

YELLOW HOUSES!? OLD LADY WITH STRIPED SHIRT!!!? WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE

To get some lunch. Yum.

BEER IN A MUG

I mean, actual lunch, too.

SCHNITZEL

After lunch we had ANOTHER round of wine tastings. Mostly of white wine and rosé. Then we were given tickets to go on a sky ride. Stephanie and our new friend John seemed fine.

A little too fine if you ask me...

Michelle was a little nervous.

Or she just peed herself. Hard to tell.

AND I WAS TERRIFIED AND DRUNK.

AAAUUGGGHHH

Once we got to the top we had even more remarkable views of the valley.

And then Stephanie wandered off and almost got lost.

At the top of the mountain we also saw the Statue of Germania. This commemorates Germany’s unification in the nineteenth century.

I get the feeling Germany has been unified and reunified a lot...

After that, we got back on the bus and were heading back towards Kaiserslautern. We then drove to the apartment and finished up some leftovers. Then we went to a local Irish bar for trivia night! AND I WON A FREE PINT OF GUINNESS!!