The Globe-Trotting Travels of a Lovely Little Drunk: One Night in Seoul

Okay so today we were gonna do things. Lots of things were to be done today. Here and there and everywhere all these things were to be done by us. And excellently at that. We knew the first thing we wanted to do was see an ancient Korean landmark. Our guidebooks recommended Changdeokgung Palace. They said if we were to do only one palace here, THAT’S the one to do! Next to, (or behind?) the palace was the King’s Secret Garden. Entrance to it was only permitted if you paid for a guided tour. It wasn’t much, maybe five bucks per person or something. The English tour started promptly at 11:30 am. So we got to the palace, purchased our tickets, and walked through some of the grounds to get to the Secret Garden. The entrance to the complex was stunning:

psh I could have built that

Once through, we walked over this adorable bridge.

Mesmerizing

And saw the area where many of the public functions were held.

And where it will hold my wedding someday.. *tear*

There were so many doors and alleys and buildings, it was hard to keep track of everything!

I also like taking pictures of doors.

When we got to the garden, our sassy tour guide was waiting for us.

She's the one on the left. Isn't she a dear? Loove the hat!

I say sassy because she didn’t take nobody’s guff. Her dry wit and biting sarcasm was as refreshing to me as an ocean wind. She yelled at this one lady for translating too loudly. Then in the middle of one of her speeches, this little kid raised his hand. She stopped and asked, “Oh, do you have a question?” He responded with, “I saw a squirrel!” She stared at him blankly. Dryly she said, “…Uh huh… that’s nice. Not a question, though. But let me know when you see a chipmunk and maybe I’ll care.” And ladies and gentlemen… I fell deeply in love at that moment. Sweet, passionate, unadulterated love swept over my body like a silk satin blanket. Cupid’s arrow shot up through my ribs and into my skull. And then went out my nose. I knew this wench of touring had to be mine, or no one else’s….

Anyway, then we saw a pond

Loved bathing in it too

And a cute little library!

Isn't it just the CUTEST?? IISSSNNTT IITTT!!!!!!!?!???!?

And I took a picture of a floor for some reason…

Whatever. I was being artistic.

And another pond…

With a house I'm gonna live in someday

And… some lily pads… …?

WTF was I ON!?

And a door… .. .. I guess I thought it was a really great door at the time. I dunno. Shut up.

I SAID SHUT UP

Then we went to a nobleman’s house within the garden.

It was basically like the King's pool house

And Jan had the inspiration to take a picture of her pride and joy

Slash I forced her to take a picture of me. And maybe a few threats were thrown in there somewhere. For good measure.

Then we saw this thing.

It's a thing with a roof.

And that thing.

It had red.

And one of these…

It was on the water.

…And one of those…….

I clearly took a lot away from this tour.

And a trickling moss-ridden stream! BAUGH

So serene. UNTIL I SHOWED UP.

AND A WATERFALL. HOLY BALLS. WHO KNEW KOREA HAD WATERFALLS.

I KNOW I DID.

AND I SPOTTED A MOM CREATURE!!!

RUNAWAY

And then took a picture of a 750 year old juniper tree. 750!!!!

One day I'll live that long.

Then the tour was over. And my love walked away from me without even saying goodbye. She played my heart like a ping pong ball and then ate the paddle. Of my soul. Wow I’m deep.

Here’s the king’s throne hall thing

That's the kind of throne hall I'll have for myself one day

And throne room

Where they couldn't put humpty together again!

So as we’re walking around this dizzying complex of palatial structures, at some point we realize we have ABSOLUTELY NO FRIGGIN IDEA WHERE WE ARE OR HOW TO GET OUT.

LOST AND TRAPPED

In a KOREAN PALACE ERMAHGERD

ERMAHGERRDDD

ALSO WHY DO Bruce and Jan look SO TINY??!! ALL THE TIME!!

THAT BUILDING WASN'T EVEN THAT BIG

Here’s Jan, fraught with distress!

Don't. Mess. With. The Jan.

We keep going around and around,

Both being completely unhelpful.

and it felt like we were walking in circles!!

Or some random large yards. This would be a great place to have a bbq though.

Then we crossed a bridge! AND DISCOVERED THE WAY OUT!!

SWEET DELICIOUS FREEDOM

OH and here’s some historical content: Here’s the room where one of the last Korean Kings was forced to sign away the COUNTRY to Japan in 1907, URGED BY TEDDY ROOSEVELT!!!

WTF MAN??

And then I saw some monkeys on a roof.

They were cute. And stiff. And metallic-like. Just the way I like my monkeys. And my women.

So once we were through with the palace, and it really was beautiful, we saw a statue of one of (or the?) last Kings of Korea.

Or it was a GIANT performance artist...

And then our taxi’s floor was made of grass.

Why haven't they thought of this in NYC??

And for lunch we had some chili cheese fries

BWAHAHA

And I had a bbq burger.

AMERICAN FOOD RAAAWWRROMNOMNOMNOM

We were exhausted, so we relaxed at the hotel for a little bit, (doing things is hard) and then went out for DINNER BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

Beef Barbecue!!

Second course was BEEF BACON OMG SO GOOD YOU GUYS BEEF BACON UH HUH I WANT IT NOW AS I WRITE THIS OMG

If you're not drooling there is something seriously wrong with you

Then after that, we went to a DIFFERENT place, (I think in Hongdae?) where we had a seafood pancake omelet type thing:

Yummers. Ew I can't believe I just said yummers I'm disgusted with myself.

And a traditional alcoholic Korean drink called Dongdongju.

AND IT TASTED LIKE SPRITE.

After that my parents went off to bed cuz they’re LAME-O’S, and Greg, his friend Phil, and I went out for a nightcap!

Don't really remember where we were when I took this but gives you an idea of the nightlife

First drink: Agwa, an energy shot with Coca leaves liquer. That’s right. Coca leaves. Uh huh. You know what I’m saying.

Cuz I don't. Can you tell me what I'm saying? I actually don't know.

And then the rest of the night was kind of a blur, but I vaguely remember beers, scotch whiskey, and a female bartender who’s uniform was a negligée telling me to get out because I didn’t know Korean. She was joking, though. I think. Then later she kept telling me to shut up cuz she didn’t know any other English words. Makes sense, right? I remember the area we were in had AMAZING nightlife. The streets were PACKED with people. Oh and then I think before we went back to the hotel I had a pepperoni pizza. Weird. AND TOMORROW I HAVE TO BE UP AT 6!!!! On that note, here are some signs that made me giggle like a little school girl: